shooting three's...now in the hood

all good things come to an end.

2011-08-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

i was going to write a long reflective letter, but now it's late. so eff it, i'm making it quick and potentially incoherent. i leave for the next chapter in my life TOMORROW, so i am thinking about possibly making a new blog or maybe just sending emails, in which case, this is my LAST post right here :)

four years of teaching, huh?! i never thought it'd be at this point. i'd never taught i'd be craving for more (i fucking miss it already).

i still find it funny that in march of 2007, my ass got rejected from tfa (mostly because i thought i was a shoe in and didn't try that hard in the interview--wtf was i thinking!?) and that then i had to write a crazy long appeal letter (instead of a paper that was due the same day) to get myself back in. it worked, and in retrospect, i am extremely glad i fought back. besides northwestern, tfa is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

tfa itself isn't radically transformative; the hundreds of kids this organization indirectly introduced me to are the ones who really changed my life. you can talk about statistics all you want, but it isn't until you put faces and personalities into the numbers that i realized that shit

--this fucked up education system that leads low-income communities into a vicious cycle of poverty-- NEEDs to change. i really believe ALL of my kids are smart, funny, hardworking, vocal, strong, determined--under the right conditions. and of course, their education system has been taking those conditions from them for a long, long time, which has set them up for failure year after year.

i think it's really the fact that i believe in my students that made me a good teacher. i knew they could learn, and i knew that even when times were hard, they needed me--so i just had to get my shit together because failure just wasn't an option. the second part was love: of course i would fall in love with my students--they are completely innocent and happy and for the most part unaware of what's being done to them, so in true holden caulfield style, i wanted to do as much as possible in order to protect them from this injustice. i spent many, many weekends in my classroom due to these two mindsets.

so yes, i worked really hard these past four years, probably at the expense of my sex life. sex life or not, though, i'm pretty reflective and i managed to learn to have the right balance of discipline, personality, relationship-building, and critical thinking skills to get my students to succeed. i love love love watching my kids succeed. and it's this desire to watch them succeed over and over that led me to the incredible gains for four years in a row.

last year, though, is when we really killed it. my kids last year came in at 58% proficient in sept. when my class was over in may, 98% were proficient (75% advanced, so it wasn't like they were even close to getting the basic). also, one kid missed the proficient mark by one question, so essentially all of my kids last year learned TONS and left my class were they needed to be to be successful in high school. the achievement gap really does not exist for them and i couldn't be happier :)

the question now is, what do i do next? i'm clearly good for kids and great at getting them into reading. but i can also do so much more--write curriculum, coach teachers, work for tfa, become an admin or even lead my own school. i can also just stay as a teacher because i love it, right? i don't really know.

my solution: move to a beach and figure it out. see you in a year or two, l.a.

NEW THINGS IN MY LIFE

2011-08-02T18:27:00.000-07:00

1. 98% of my students passed the 8th grade English CST this year. That's all but ONE kid. What's more, 45/64 passed with ADVANCED. Absolutely ridiculous--it's the highest test score in our charter oganization's history, in all of L.A., and possibly in the state of CA. Most of all, my students are low-income. I love this.

You may say that my kids were already smart. Somewhat true. But when they were 7th graders, only 58% passed--so I'm going to take my success and run with it. Boo ya motherfuckers, my kids are fucking smart! Obsessing over them paid off so much :)

2. I had the best Institute this year. I honestly got a LOT of sleep and had SO much fun, and it paid off: I came off as fun, confident, and smart. I helped make a difference for many students this summer and for many who will get new TFA teachers this fall. I hadn't felt this way in a while. No lies, I'm feeling confident about being a leader again (though I know I have things to work on, of course, but that's the beauty of it).

3. I quit teaching at KLAP. I got a job where I will be helping to found a school in the Dominican Republic for low income kids, grades 5 to 10. I will be teaching the English but also will be teaching teachers as well. I leave next Thursday or so. I'll be there 'till at least June, but I will try to travel as much as possible. Come visit me? Inside, I'm freaking the fuck out.

4. I hadn't crushed on anyone in such a long time and it happens right before I leave the fucking country. Worse of all, I actually get her to like me (kind of, I mean she kissed me and then she said I was irrational--I'm still trying to figure this out). Basically I'm the worse at hook-ups (and this wasn't even a real one) and I exhausted all my texts to her and now she is in vegas, then the bay, then fucking INDIA, and I'm just being a little bitch about it because it's irrational to think this would work out (so I guess she's right) but I like her so what can I do? Take my charms to the next one, I guess. FML.

That's all.

2011-08-01T08:44:00.000-07:00

i clearly have an obsessive personality and i really dislike it.

my work is not finished

2011-07-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, I saw my first batch of students walk across a stage and receive a high school diploma.

I admit I cried (ok, got misty eyed) when I saw my babies walk through. There were 600 graduates, and only about 60 were mine, so it was hard to catch them all, but when I did, I felt like the proudest teacher ever.

But it also made me angry. I had 120 9th graders my first year of teaching. Only 60 walked across the stage. Where did the other 60 go? I know for sure one passed away, several moved to better high schools, but a lot just didn't make it.

And that's just bullshit, you know? I made significant gains with those students. I had class averages of 80% where nearly every single kid passed grade-level tests that required them to answer essay prompts after reading rigorous texts. The potential was in them and I proved it.

Granted, the kids I sent to honors English all rocked it (more or less) and are now going to college. Some even graduated with high honors and credit me for putting them on the right path :) When I joined TFA, I told myself I'd be happy if even just a few made it.

Just a few, though? These are lives we're talking about. We're talking about Ricky, Manuel, Barbara, Vivian, Alyssa, Sergio. Real children who have the potential to be great leaders and here comes a bullshit education system and fucks up their lives. Simply because they live in the wrong zip code and had no choice but to go to the wrong high school.

I can't do this work from just one classroom anymore. It's not enough.

8th grade love.

2011-06-19T12:42:00.000-07:00

"Another thing I learned is that we all have a purpose in life. Like you Mr. Madrid you may be here to help us learn a lot in english. you're the best linguist ever. Do what you love and never regret it."-- Elizabeth

"Madrid, this comment on my book project was very abrupt and made me very optimistic. i am extremely glad to have you-- a feminist, linguist-- as my english teacher! Even though you say you don't remember your 8th grade teacher, I will for sure remember mine :) Keep up the transformational teaching :)"

:') I'm going to miss these things, watch.

2011-06-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

:( i am really sad. really sad right now.

just like the time i left bell two years ago.

i don't want to feel this way again. but i love the feeling of accomplishment i get when my kids defy all expectations. and as it turns out, i am really good at helping them achieve. does one beat the other?

i hope my kids keep in touch with me. i hope they keep rocking the english. i hope they make it to college and experience everything i did at northwestern. maybe even more.

the truth is, though, after these 5 days, i won't be the same. i will miss them tremendously!

i'm fucking holden caulfield and shit

2011-05-06T18:25:00.000-07:00

i feel like i have the biggest pit in my stomach, man. i'm sure yours is worse.

i am kicking myself because i literally had your phone IN my hand and it looked like you only had one text from tracy. it said something about her dad not giving her a ride, so it looked like it wasn't unbecoming. so i decided to respect your privacy and not look any further.

but i should have known! i should have opened it!! i know you are crazy with girls on your phone and should have known you had something really inappropriate in there. that was a stupid move on my part.

i also wish you would have told me that that was in there. i wish we weren't fucking fighting all the time so that you could have trusted me and i could prevented this stuff from getting out. i would have erased it for sure, and immediately during lunch, had i known.

i also hate that everyone is going to see you (at least the stupid people in the office who passed your phone like they know you or something) as this horny little boy when i know you are a caring, smart, thoughtful young man.

i hate that you're 14 and you make dumb decisions. i hate that i can't prevent you from growing up and keep you away from sex, drugs, alcohol and other types of perversities. i hate that in just two months, i won't be your teacher ever again and won't be able to even try to guide you in the right direction.

that was deep, huh? but okay i feel better :) shit happens. i wish it didn't. on the upside, let's use this as a learning experience buddy. with so many missed opportunities, maybe it was just meant to be (like in chronicle of a death foretold :)). we'll see. mr. m.

2011-04-19T17:10:00.001-07:00

i ALWAYS get depressed during break. maybe i should get a clue and gtfo out of town next time.

is this what's going to happen when i'm out of a job next year? my school has already replaced me for next year and the upcoming teacher is already thinking about how to "modify" my curriculum; actually my syllabus is fucking awesome but alright! it makes me jealous as a little bitch but at least that fool won't even thouch my kiddos because they're off to hs! yay :)

i need to look for a job but i can't make up my mind about what i want. i'm thinking that it'll just come and fall in my lap like it has in the past. you know? the options are: move to ny, stay in l.a., go to honduras, fuck it and go somewhere in the world.

my kids are fucking obsessed with me. my phone is blowing up with all these lovey dovey texts i'm getting from them. edgar, my favorite one though, was a dick and i banned him from texting me. he took it seriously and he hasn't texted me in 48 hours! now i miss him like crazy. i am psychotic and clearly in need of a life. why does this bother me?

i think i read too many books when i was younger. is life really the pursuit of happiness? will there ever be a happy ending? i'm getting deep as shit, i know, but mostly i need a break to think.

thank goodness i'm smart and can afford to take a break. yes to intelligence. maybe those books did pay off.

2011-04-16T22:15:00.000-07:00

man fuck l.a.! :(

Decided I think!

2011-03-21T20:41:00.001-07:00

My students make me so happy this year. What a great group. Great Great Great! And of course especially Maria Edgar Sydney Mildred Pedro Johnnie Fabian Kenia Vivi Valerie Martin Gabriel Diana Karina Melanie Anika Itzumi Alfredo the list continues! I literally miss them every weekend. Weird, huh? Weird, but fuck that, it's also awesome and I'm going to enjoy the little time I have left with them.

I don't ever want to forget them so I think it's a perfect time to quit.

Everyone thinks I'm kidding. I need to tell my principal before I get cold feet.

It might be over soon.

2011-03-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

UGH. I don't feel like working hard anymore. I'm burned out.

Furthermore, my relationship with my students is bordering on ridiculous. Ok, mostly with Maria and Edgar (see below). Maria spends hours with me after school and Edgar spends hours texting me almost every day. And when they don't spend this much time talking to me I end up feeling like something is missing in my life. It's not like I'm being a pedophile, but IDK, something about a 25 year old teacher spending so much time talking to 8th graders makes me uncomfortable. On the other hand, they are both rocking my class and learning lots daily because of our relationship. What's a teacher to do?

I feel that when I was 22 and just starting to teach, it was perfectly okay to hang out with my 9th graders so much. It showed that a) I was young and idealistic and probably saw positive teacher-student relationships as a mark of success, b) I clearly didn't have a wife nor kids so what else was I supposed to do with my life? and c) I was closer in age to my students than to other teachers who were 10, 20 years older than me, so it was kind of expected.

Now, as I get older, being with my students after hours is feeling more and more unbecoming, per say. I'm very popular with my students still, but I am also about the only person in my school who doesn't have a significant other. This is also my fourth year teaching so it's not like I'm necessarily craving teacher-student relationships like I did my first two years. And lastly, these are middle schoolers I'm choosing to hang out with. I don't consider them friends at all, but I feel more myself when I'm with them than when I'm with most other adults. Mix all these facts together and my image becomes one of a real creeper.

IDK, it's all starting to look, sound, and feel wrong, even when nothing is actually wrong at all. Not going to lie, it's one of the reasons I'm thinking about leaving.

edgar and maria

2011-02-18T18:11:00.000-08:00

while i like all my students most of the time, i have two favorite students this year that particularly stick out in my mind.

they make me so happy when they use vocab words, write bombass essays, get over 90% on my tests, read like crazy, say insightful things in class, get an A in my class and generally say they love my class, english, and me.

but they make me so upset when they flake. like honestly, more than most students. i literally get angry at them. how could you forget to have done my homework? why aren't you focusing on my test? why didn't you read? how could you get an 89% and not a 90?! how is it possible that you got a B on my test and not an A? why they hell are you talking back to me when i'm your teacher?! you got a C in math? why isn't your shirt tucked in?!

yea, i'm demanding. luckily maria takes my wrath and gets herself together (she pulled off an 90% last semester, just barely but i'm still proud of her!). however, two days later, she'll miss a homework assignment again--which leads me to berate her and tell her how disappointed i am, and the cycle continues. edgar (as is usual with my favorite boys) is more difficult-- i'm convinced he got an 89 almost on purpose to make me annoyed. he also argues back whenever i try to call his attention on something, as if it were my fault. we've both established that we're each other's favorites, but ever since this happened, he gets mad at me when i get mad at him. he also pushes boundaries soooo much, at one point even trying to call me by my first name (he stopped once i yelled at his ass). unfortunately, though, he makes this obnoxious puppy face that makes it impossible for me to be angry at him for more than 5 minutes. i cannot handle it.

today we went at it again. he literally threw the fact that i'm tougher on him than everybody else on my face, saying that it wasn't fair that i gave him two warnings but ignored the kid who everyone knows is annoying. then he said it wasn't fair i called his mom simply because he didn't fill in his reading log but he swears he did read 20 pages last night (i believe him--but i can't let it fly). then he said he doesn't have to apologize to his math teacher about the inappropriate gesture he did in class because it was just a joke.

the frustrating part is that this happens often. when i finally get him to apologize to me, we get along perfectly and he really does well on every assignment i give him, as if he's trying to please me or something. but the harmony is short-lived--he's back arguing or doing something inappropriate probably as soon as the next day.

which brings me to the question, why am i trying to reason with 14 year olds? they are kids! if it were any other kids, i would tell them to shut the fuck up and listen and then move on with my life after giving them detention. but i can't do that with these two; i like them too much. i guess i'm having trouble explaining that a) i don't know why but i like you two freaking kids more than others b) when i like you, my expectations of you are higher. c) everything would be cool if you just met my expectations. d) i'm not sure how i'm going to let go of both you in june and why can't you two just be model students so that i at least could remember how great you were forever?

see? this job is making me crazy. thank goodness for my three day weekend.

omg i just fucking cried.

2011-02-13T21:56:00.000-08:00

Hello, Mr. Madrid! It's Daisy, I don't know if you'll remember me! Haha. You were my 9th grade english teacher in '07. I just wanted to say that I miss you! I'm sure all of my fellow classmates do as well. You're still my favorite teacher ever!. Ever since, I've been getting pretty crapy english teachers... (I won't say names!) Haha but yeah, I learned so much from being in your class. Right now, I have a pretty decent 12th grade english teacher, but still, there is no comparison with you, you pwn them all. What's new with me is, I have applied to only CSU's, and recently have been admitted into three of them. I'm so excited=)! It sucks that I didn't get the chance to apply to UC's, my G.P.A is only 2.7. I wish Bell High could had been more informative with us about college, I didnt find out what "G.P.A" was til my second semester of 11th grade =/. Overall, school has been great =). You were a huge inspiration. You were the most caring teacher I've had throughout all my whole years being at Bell High School. I loved how everyday you gave us lectures and worked with us as a class, instead of just being lazy and made us do bookwork. So, yeah, hope you've been good! hehe

i hate time

2011-02-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

i probably say this enough but my kids this year have really struck a chord in my heart. when they graduate in just 5 months (why is this year going so fast?!), i'm going to be one sad teacher. while i always love my kids (which i'm sure is what makes me a good teacher), this year includes characters that i really wish i could keep in my life forever. they motivate me to work hard for them--i don't even mind going to my classroom in weekends-- and in turn they do so well for me. the growth thus far has been incredible, which makes me even more motivated to keep it going. it's a sickening cycle of obsession.

how could this be happening in my fourth year? the more i think about it, the more i realize that this is a cycle i'm going to have to deliberately break, maybe as early as next year.

think about it: if i'm obsessed this year, there's a good chance i'll be just as obsessed with my new batch 20 years from now. that's 20 last days of school, twenty heartbreaks, more than 2000 smiling faces i'll wish i could keep in my classroom forever but which will inevitably turn into fleeting memories of good times in english with madrid.

and just that.

THIS WAS MY BABY

2010-09-25T17:35:00.000-07:00

angel was hands down my biggest management challenge my first year of teaching. he went from calling me tiger woods, to fag, to obama, to mr. madrid and once even mom. getting him to come to tutoring after school and having him read a biography on the lakers, write and TYPE his final essay, participate in my socratic seminars and accomplishing a passing grade in my class--when no other teacher at bell could get him to even move his pencil-- was one of my biggest accomplishments during my first year of teaching. he was incredibly inappropriate and one time told me "man mr. i like pussy too much." still, i loved the kid to death. when i saw him last, he said "man mr, i'm going to miss you, man" and gave me a bear hug. one of the biggest, thoughest thugs at bell told me he was gong to miss me. i don't know, it meant a lot.

and now he's gone. to be honest, angel's life wasn't going to be a good one. turns out not all teachers were willing to hold his hand as much as i did, and he completely failed 10th grade. while not officially in a gang, he often got in fights with gang members and got kicked out of two high schools and was on track to dropping out of school already. yea, he was only 18 and could have easily turned his life around--but not without any help. mine just wasn't enough.

i'm not sure how to feel.

Driver killed when vehicle slides off I-10 in Redlands

By Melissa Pinion-Whitt

Posted: 09/13/2010 07:00:22 AM PDT

A motorist died Sunday after he veered off the 10 Freeway in Redlands, causing his vehicle to roll down an embankment and land in a business parking lot.

San Bernardino County coroner's officials said Angel Sanchez, 18, of Bell, was thrown from the 2000 Chevy Tahoe.

The California Highway Patrol received a call of the crash at 4:04 a.m. on the westbound 10 east of California Street. Sanchez drove off the freeway and crashed in the 1800 block of Orange Tree Lane.

gratifying armpits

2010-09-05T16:12:00.001-07:00

Wise words from one of the teachers I helped train this summer:

And finally, if anyone knows of a great deodorant/antiperspirant, feel free to send some my way. I've noticed every day after I finish teaching my 50 minute lesson I have armpit sweat marks. Slightly embarrassing, but slightly fulfilling in an "instant gratification" type way. I've told a few people I've talked to that when I start teaching I go into a different world. It's the strangest thing to try to explain, and you all probably think I'm crazy, but I totally lose track of time, and am thinking harder than I've ever thought before. I'm constantly analyzing the room, trying to figure out who's getting what, where the learning is breaking down, and how I can explain things in a different way so students will follow what I'm explaining. It's crazy. Add to that the pressure to work through one objective per day, give an assessment, give positive recognition, make sure everyone is having a chance to speak, and manage time, and you can understand why I'm sweating so much. It's. so. fun.

Never considered how much goes on in my brain as a I teach, but it's so true: there is a lot going on! And, maybe because it's the beginning of the year and I'm hopeful for the future, I'm finding this job really exhilarating. I'm really lucky: I work for a really successful charter school system, my coworkers are bomb, i'm growing as a professional, my students are the cutest and together we're going to prove that kids from East L.A. can read and write like the true college-bound scholars that they are. THE SKY IS THE LIMIT! It's going to be a good year.

randOms

2010-09-01T14:19:00.000-07:00

finally on vacation. for like, 5 days. i just finished eating breakfast, which i never do, hey hey. also finally snooped into my sisters' transcripts and realized my sisters GPAs are abysmal. same family, same neighborhood, same home, same schools, some of the same teachers, nearly all of the same extracurricular activities: how do such stark differences happen? i wish i didn't have to meddle in their lives so much, but if i don't do it, who will? been cleaning up that shit like crazy. they're going to get their butts into college if it's the last thing i do with my life. i turn 25 in exactly two weeks. oy. i had a chat with kipp's executive director yesterday. she wants me to do one of their fancy fellowships so i can open a school in 2013. i know, right, crazy soon! what she doesn't know is that i sucked this summer. i was pretty honest and told her it was my first time being a true manager, and that i learned a lot of tough lessons in the process. she empathized, but also recommended i do it again next year. sounds easy to just go back, right? being an SD is a physically and emotionally draining time commitment. not sure i can go through that whole ordeal all over again, even if i do better. besides, who says tfa wants me back? then again, if i truly want to be a principal and help many many children from east l.a. climb the mountain to college, then i need to do whatever it takes to get there. can't i strike some sort of balance? here's hoping i make the right decisions and don't mess this shit up.

speaking of east l.a.

2010-06-05T00:39:00.000-07:00

"Blue lights, red lights, yellow lights, just coming on in a full glow sunsetting sky, a drunk eye at the corner, gotta be after five, ECHO PARK AND SUNSET in full tilt bloom, full human dew drips, elote corners, mango sugar sticks, Indian dreams of naked sunlight, Pachuco visions of holocausts, tender youngness in a halter top crossing the crosswalk for days, the tender eyes of love, homework forgotten, popsicles for sucking, while watching the world become the world. Everyone watches. Then they cross and car after car after car goes by.

Karina waves to me, “Mr. Abee…” She took my English class two years ago. She did nothing. It was cool. I wave to Karina and her friend, the sister of all the cholo brothers, who hang out in front of their apartment and stare into every car that passes by, protecting the neighborhood, but the neighborhood still hurts. I have seen young women walk the hot and cruel bright afternoon streets with child, babe in arms and one by a string (some drag them like trophies, others like some heavy things), lonely walking in chanclas, lonely in blue shorts with the sun beating down on them, beating relentless, calm, reminding bright, all the things that are not there. And the billboard cowboy girl laughs because she is safe and can laugh being a billboard, but the face of the mother woman walking alone in her centuries, laughter hurts too far into her belly. She does not do it."

--Steve Abee

Lately I've realized that I LOVE my job in theory. I'm making such a big difference in my students lives, and I actually believe this at this point. In practicality, though, my job is SO tiring. I don't like planning lessons, I don't like chatter and I especially don't like conceited kids who think it's okay to not do what I ask them to do. This year I'm lucky in that my kids nearly run themselves--the other day, all I had to do was give my students the dirtiest look EVER and they lined up within 5 seconds. It was incredible. Another day I was 5 minutes late to class and nobody even noticed--the kids walked themselves in, sat down, passed out handouts, started homework, and were already taking attendance when I walked in. I was like, do you guys even need me? Someone told me that this is the true mark of a good teacher--setting up your kids for success so that they can thrive on their own. However, thinking about starting ALLL OVER with new students in Sept. makes me a little sick to my stomach. I am sure I will fall in love with my new students again (though my heart is definitely getting crowded--this year I saw myself not caring about some students at all, which had never happened before), but I don't enjoy busting through the little details of teaching. I love watching students grow academically and I love watching my non-readers evolve into readers who finish books within days in the 9 months they're in my classroom, but if I have to make one more worksheet asking students to identify appositive phrases, I may possibly kill myself. If I were smart, I would have just organized these worksheets already so I don't have to even look for them in my computer anymore. However, I am not that kind of smart. And so teaching is honestly exhausting.

I guess what I'm trying to say is....how much longer can I continue doing this? This entire week I got to work no earlier than 7:25, when class starts promptly at 7:30. This is funny, because I used to get to work at 6:30 a.m. in the fall (now I am not sure what I was doing). I love my students, I love watching them learn, but lately I'm getting so so tired of work.

Maybe I am just ready for summer vacation. But maybe it's time to stop after this next year.

UGH

2010-05-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

seriously, why would you subject yourself to teaching at a "ghetto" school if all you're going to do is complain about the kids you teach? yes, they have sex at an early age. no, they don't use protection because they hardly get any education about it. no, they have no idea where to get an abortion. yes, they're catholic so almost all decide to keep their kids and become baby mamas and daddies. no, they don't have a clue.

when jazmin got pregnant last year, i pretended like nothing was wrong with her. i still expected her to read her books, write her essays, study for her tests, participate in class. when she didn't understand something, i made her stay after school for tutoring--belly an all--until she caught up with the class. jazmin had a B+ in my class because i believed in her wholeheartedly, pregnant at 15 or not. granted, her grade dropped down to a C in the final two weeks of school because her baby had just been born. maybe i was a jerk, but lowering expectations meant giving up on her, and i definitely knew my girl could pull through on her own.

when my students threw my goodbye party during my last day at bell, jazmin came and showed me her baby through the school's back gate. it was awkward (i hadn't seen a baby in a while), and so i didn't know what to say. but what she said to me instead remains one of my favorite memories of bell: "thanks for believing in me, mr. i hope my baby has a teacher as good as you."

unfortunately, not all bell teachers see it this way (straight from facebook):

XX is subbing yet another ninth grade class. one girl is six months pregnant. another just had a baby two months ago. bah

charlatan

2010-05-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

Just read an excerpt from Happy Hour is for Amateurs and it describes my life completely:

"Maybe you wake up like I do every day -- amazed the boss or professor or whoever's in charge hasn't caught on to the fraud, wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. When they'll find out you have a split personality, that you're only playing a game and if they had the slightest clue what you were really like -- what you were thinking or how you got your kicks when you weren't around them -- they'd fire you, expel you, have security drag you from he property in cuffs. All for good reason."

Also, I showed Ferris Bueller's Day Off in my book club enrichment class instead of reading today (Hey, we're in the middle of testing!) and my principal totally walked in to see what was happening. Of course she walks in on a day I show a movie and not when my students put on skits about our book. Regardless, my heart was literally pounding because, while Pg-13, Ferris and his friends CUSS a whole lot--they say shit, dick, ass, flip each other off, make obscene gestures, etc.--and there is a 10 yr old 5th grader in my book club! The way I see it, all my kids already know these words, and just because they hear it doesn't mean they're going to use it. At the same time, my school does hand out an hour of detention for every cuss word uttered on campus, so I could have gotten into some trouble for promoting inappropriate language. Maybe? Luckily, no character in the movie let one slip while she was there--but her visit was the longest 5 minutes of my life. Ok, week.

She may be on to me, guys.

insight from 15 year olds

2010-04-02T19:05:00.000-07:00

when life gives you a hundred reasons to ~~cry~~,show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.

my first babies are applying to college next year, dude. well, at least the ones i placed on the honors track after my first year of teaching (and i think this was a good move--a lot of them are succeeding!). i need to get back in touch with them ASAP and at least help them with their college essay or something. the tricky thing is how do i find time? i'll find it.

carro

2010-02-06T07:56:00.001-08:00

this is about the only time a dad would come in handy. or at least a mother who grew up in the states and could do things for herself and then teach her kids how to do it, too, you know?

basically my car, the one i got for free from my stepdad, is finally dying. i hit a pothole on the 101 on sunday and ever since then, the brakes have been making a crunchy noise, the motor shakes each time i brake, and the radio keeps turning off on me so i have to drive in complete silence (at least i get time to reflect on life?). the worse, though, came yesterday when the brakes STOPPED WORKING while driving on the soggy streets of East L.A.. thank goodness i didn't take the freeway home, or i would have died. seriously.

you might be saying: why don't you take it to a mechanic? might be a quick fix. and i totally would except i've been taking this bitch of a car to the mechanic ever since i got it--about 5 times a year, i think. literally thousands of dollars have been poured into it thinking that doing this would be better than actually buying a new car.

nowadays though, i'm all about convenience and efficiency. i don't care if it's cheaper, i'm done with this car. i need a new one. (i mean, i also get paid more and i work hard, goddamit, so i think i might deserve it.)

no problem, right? except i don't know how to buy a new car. and they're expensive. and i have no clue how to get rid of my current one. and how do i get new license plates? and how do i switch my insurance over? ughh

just like the time i learned to tie my ties before my first job interview, though, i'll figure something out. it's going to be incredibly stressful, but i'm equally resourceful (i hope).

(last line shamelessly stolen from a medill alumn)

two thruts and a lie

2010-01-23T17:29:00.001-08:00

1) i sucked balls as a teacher this past week. i don't even remember what i taught. my students got a 79% average on their test on friday (when we had 86% last time). i'm a hot mess. it also rained allll week, which meant i was literally with kids from 9 to 5 four days straight because we don't want them to get all wet in the "playground" (actually just a small patch of grass next to the parking lot), so the kiddos eat lunch in our classrooms. i literally passed out by 9 p.m. every single night this week, except for thursday when i only slept 2 hours trying to make a test. a fucking test that my students didn't rock because it was admittedly a little too hard, but so what? rock it no matter what, bitches. not a good week at all.

2) turns out i am going to be a school director at tfa institute next summer! i was thrilled as soon as i found out, but the next day i wondered if my color of skin had anything to do with it. i guess i don't feel like that successful of a teacher (perhaps it's just this week...i hope) and can't see why tfa is on my nuts about it. in fact, i am scared i won't exude enough authority this summer to manage and lead about 50 some new teachers and a staff of advisors to achieve academic success with their students. i'm also severely lacking in the organization arena. maybe i'll start drinking coffee.

3) motto for the weekend: pussy pussy pussy!

vacation is over

2010-01-08T13:03:00.001-08:00

"As Teach for America began to identify exceptional teachers using this data, Farr began to watch them. He observed their classes, read their lesson plans, and talked to them about their teaching methods and beliefs. He and his colleagues surveyed Teach for America teachers at least four times a year to find out what they were doing and what kinds of training had helped them the most.

Right away, certain patterns emerged. First, great teachers tended to set big goals for their students. They were also perpetually looking for ways to improve their effectiveness. For example, when Farr called up teachers who were making remarkable gains and asked to visit their classrooms, he noticed he’d get a similar response from all of them: “They’d say, ‘You’re welcome to come, but I have to warn you—I am in the middle of just blowing up my classroom structure and changing my reading workshop because I think it’s not working as well as it could.’ When you hear that over and over, and you don’t hear that from other teachers, you start to form a hypothesis.” Great teachers, he concluded, constantly reevaluate what they are doing.

Superstar teachers had four other tendencies in common: they avidly recruited students and their families into the process; they maintained focus, ensuring that everything they did contributed to student learning; they planned exhaustively and purposefully—for the next day or the year ahead—by working backward from the desired outcome; and they worked relentlessly, refusing to surrender to the combined menaces of poverty, bureaucracy, and budgetary shortfalls."

Pumping myself up! Let's do this 8th graders!

so long, 09

2009-12-31T04:05:00.001-08:00

in 2009, i discovered:

the virtues of real independence, finally.
that even the thugest, cholo-est, kid can surprise you.
that kids fail only when adults fail them first.
that i'm making a bit of a difference in the right communities, so why not keep doing it?
true leadership--what it looks like, what it doesn't look like, and what i can do to have it.
my true best friend, the iphone.
my new life motto: work hard, play hard, be nice.
orlando, new orleans, d.c.
the excess that is VEGAS! normally, i don't trip out over gambling, luxurious hotels or even clubbing (i like the music but i hate having to scream to pick up a girl, and i'm a little uncomf just grinding up behind them). but daaang, vegas night clubs are OFF THE HOOK. they literally look like royal palaces, are bumping with perfectly ghettofabulous music, and are popping with beautiful people who want to party just as much as you do. the overflowing patron and goose shots also help, and if you go with mostly girls you don't have to worry about finding a dance partner to grind up on (at one point they were all taken by random dudes, though, and i was like wtf? can't you see they are all mine?) had i not spent about $300 in two days, i would go like, next week.

i can always save up, though. vegas 2010 anybody?

recent discoveries

2009-12-12T12:46:00.001-08:00

1) my brain will figure things out as long as i have food and sleep. i think this is the key to success.

2) right now at least i'm exactly where i want to be in life. you know? i know i'm not even 25 yet, but hopefully i never experience a quarter life crisis. i'm young, i need to chill out.

3) wrote an essay for/with my kids this week (i always model writing for them). realized i still LOVE writing.

4) i have a huge interview on monday at 9:30 a.m. i am freaking out a little because i am not articulate whatsoever! i'm going to have to write answers to possible questions down just so i can sound intelligent. crossing my fingers, hoping my charm creeps through the phone despite my lazy tongue.

back to reality

2009-11-29T12:27:00.000-08:00

los angeles morphed into exactly the type of city i had always hoped to live in this past weekend. mostly, the bars were eclectic yet popping, conversation was intriguing, and it didn't take me 2+ hours to get from one place to the next. i also hit up really cool spots: a hipster bar with $2 cranberry vodkas in chinatown, a german bar downtown that had hot dogs and two litter beers, a japanese beer garden in little tokyo, and finally a "vinoteca" in los feliz with seriously good cheese. (i suppose i'll mention a drama-free thanksgiving with my family.)

i think the biggest difference, though, was the fact that i was full of endorphins because i hit up the gym twice! this may in fact be the secret to living a happy life.

unfortunately, it's back to reality today. i had a nightmare that i (and therefore my students) would fail miserably this upcoming week. it freaked me out so much that i decided to come to my classroom on a sunday to prepare for the 10+ hour days i'm going to be facing for the next three weeks straight. i mean, november was chill, and i could have used that time to think ahead, but we all know i don't work that way. maybe one day i'll be good at work-life balance.

5 days of freedom

2009-11-25T19:36:00.000-08:00

5 day weekends are wonderful fo sho. next time, however, i need to plan out a trip because, believe it or not, i've been bored since 4 p.m. today!

i'm also reading "me talk pretty one day" by david sedaris, which has been critically acclaimed as a national bestseller, "wildly entertaining," and "irresistibly funny." i've only chuckled like once so far, though, and i feel like i forced that one out after reading some reviews online. am i missing something?

life is frustrating.

back to teaching

2009-11-14T03:10:00.000-08:00

i constantly wonder how much my family in honduras is missing my cousin, especially the father and mother and sisters he left behind. how long until that void is filled? how painful is it to go through life knowing that one will never see or hear that special person's voice again? i can almost see how that pain can make you turn towards religion-- it's a comfort to believe that one day you'll be reunited in the after life. in fact, ruben's family is christian, and i think it's exactly this faith in the afterlife that's keeping them in one piece. what else can you do?

all i can say is my mom and siblings need to stay with me for a long long time, because i'm not ready to commit to religion.

back to my life, though. teaching is super chill this month, thanks to our lovely federal holidays and parent/conference week which means we stop teaching at noon all next week! love it. i'm a little freaked out about my test scores, but all the free time should give me time to reflect and improve myself. and i do need tons of improvement; right now i suck.

happiness in the midst

2009-11-04T07:07:00.000-08:00

after waiting for four hours at the honduran embassy, my uncle got permission to travel and made it back to honduras by tuesday morning. we got him home! i am so happy for him.

a bittersweet homecoming, it must have been, though. he went straight to my cousin's funeral, and later buried him in a christian cemetery near the beach that same afternoon. my mom painted a beautiful picture of my entire family being reunited at the funeral, devastated of course, but at least united. this is a lesson we all needed: appreciate each other now because sooner or later we will miss each other's presence. (we would have gone too, but of course we had no money for $1.5K flights to and fro honduras for six people. well get there soon enough.)

on the drive home last night, i thought i saw ruben on the backseat of my car via my rearview mirror. normally i would have freaked out. but instead, i smiled. ruben had been restless all of his life, you see, and never really knew what he wanted except love and some sense of peace. well, ruben, there it is; your father is home, you have eternal peace, and from now own, you'll be in our hearts forever. te amare y te extranare por vida, hermano.

descanza en paz, primito

2009-10-31T23:12:00.000-07:00

today my family in the u.s. of a. is in disbelief. but my family in honduras is worse: they're broken, hysterical, inconsolable.

rubencito, my 23 year old cousin, passed away in a construction accident this afternoon. my mom broke it to me through tears today around 5 p.m., but i didn't go home right away because i was in shock. i couldn't believe it. practically my first best friend in my life (only one year younger than me, ruben and i were the first babies of our generation) is fucking dead. we were separated when we were 5, and i didn't see him again until 16 years later, after our lives had taken entirely different routes. he, the family's black sheep who declined college and preferred partying and living off of my uncle's modest salary, and myself, the first of my generation to graduate from college, the first to be completely independent from my family and have a respectable job the age of 21, (but needless to say the more boring of the two); we, were not reunited until two years ago when i finally visited honduras. there was no way we could go back to being the besties we were as toddlers, but the fraternal connection was there. i remember we desperately tried to go party in san pedro sula during the holidays but our aunts and uncles took us from one family function to another and we never go the chance to do it. we did escape to small town bars near guatemala when we visited the mayan ruins, which now that i think about it, was actually actually a better move because we got to catch up a little. but not much. i still can't say i knew him very well. or at all, really.

but it still hurts, you know? more because my uncle, his father, immigrated to the united states when i was in high school and has since been as close to a father figure as i'll ever have. when he called me asking me for help to book flights so he could attend his son's funeral, i immediately went home. i tried and tried and FUCKING TRIED to get him out tonight or tomorrow, but the fact that he's undocumented means he has to wait until monday to go to the honduran embassy in downtown l.a. and ask for special permission to travel on a plane because his son died. he accepted this with complacency, but for me this is the most ridiculous thing in the planet. a man's son dies and his father can't go home to grieve his death because he doesn't have a stupid piece of shit paper? at one point while making calls and looking up flights and googling immigration laws, i lost it and dropped tears for ruben, for my uncle, for my family and for the delicate situations we sometimes find ourselves in. all because we sacrificed everything to chase the promise of a better future in the us of a. a future that you know what? i'm not even sure was worth it.

i hope my cousin died knowing that his father left him because he loved him--he truly did-- and moved to the u.s. only because he thought doing so would allow him to give his family a better life, a better future. may he rest in peace.

i want to go home

2009-10-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

my new life ambition is to become a school leader by the time i'm 30.

but right now i'm tired. my students aren't learning. i've been a hot mess since the school year started. i haven't displayed any innovative programs at my school that make me stand out to kipp founders. and i'm department co-chair but i haven't done anything to lift the english department out of the pits (we're the lowest scoring department.) so essentially i'm getting nowhere.

i know i'm not the only one; everyone's tired. one of my favorite coworkers admitted that there is no way she is coming back to kipp next year. i am too proud to leave after just one year, but i'll admit it: quitting sounds so delicious when all i want to do is to go home and sleep.

october shitshow

2009-10-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

my students are a fucking hot mess dude. i am so upset with them. and upset at myself because clearly, my actions lead to their actions and their actions lead to their achievement (thanks tfa).

last weekend we went to a kipp school in new orleans and saw the most beautiful reading and writing classrooms i've truly ever seen. for one, reading and writing were two separate classes, which makes everything so much easier. most impressive of all is that the kids were totally independent and the teacher could walk around and talk to visitors without having any students get off task. and it's only october! i was impressed.

...and then i came back this morning and my room was a fucking mess. books all over the reading corner, papers on the floor, desks crooked. as maritza from northwestern put it, "the room is very unkempt!" (she got plus points for using a vocab word). i don't care if the sub is a lunatic, you do not leave my classroom like that. i handed every single kid in my homeroom a lysol wipe and made them all clean. they best not do that shit again.

october is always when fights start because kids begin to push, and i push back, and then they continue pushing and i end up changing kids seats, writing a referral, sending kids to the office, raising my voices and outright yelling sometimes (i hate doing this). in the meantime, they lose out in instructional time and don't get any smarter.

trust. they barely got a high 60s/low 70s average on the last assessment, which is clearly not anything that will give them access to magnets or private high schools. they are going to hear it when i show them the results.

the thing about me

2009-10-07T22:24:00.000-07:00

is that i'm willing to work my ass off as long as i'm successful at something. whatever it takes, doggies.

right now, i'm working really hard. harder than i worked in 11th grade, harder than that quarter i had a job, was in the marching band and wrote for the daily at the same time, harder than my first year of teaching (or at least just as hard), harder than i worked at institute last summer.

it's a bitch. but i like it.

i just hope i perform well because this shit is still hard and even if my kids are kipp kids, there are still those who fall through the cracks and it is my job to catch them and help them succeed. parents are counting on me to send their kids to college, you know? no excuses--it's all me.

drumroll.

teaching woes, here we go again

2009-09-23T21:39:00.001-07:00

i just spent the last 2 hours looking online for persuasive articles to read with my kids tomorrow. why can't someone be paid to find us a uniform textbook/unit to use? i mean or at least give us articles. i'm so upset--this is taking far too long!!

i am also upset because i've been teaching persuasion articles for the past 2 years, and do i know where my articles are? hells to the no.

and i'm tired. teaching isn't fun like this. i can't even look at my kids in the face because i know i'm not being good.

in other news, the weekend is around the corner. thank goodness!

no worky

2009-09-14T04:50:00.000-07:00

i'm dreading the work week. this 6 to 6 shit kills me, and there's saturday school this week!

mostly i am sick and am tempted to send my principal an email telling her i can't make it today.

but i won't, mostly because it's the second week and it'd seem fishy if i missed already. you know?

i know.

notes like these MAKE MY LIFE!!

2009-09-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

hi lourdes, how is sophomore year so far? how's your new english class? hope everything is going well :)

hey mr madrid:)!

well its been okay i just need to get used to it!:)!!
well my english class is pretty packed and its honors!
well the teacher i have is called Mrs.Thompson!
shes been nice so far but yea shes also making us read lol!
during vacation i read the books u gaved me and i finished them in less then 3 or 4 days
but she said we need to have read a 1000 pages for a semester! which i think i could handle thanks to you!:D! lol!

i got my CST'S scores today and i got PROFICIENT for english n basic for scoence but i was close to proficient!

but its my first time getting a proficient in my life im so happy!:))! i think i wouldnt of done it without yur help MR.MADRID!! we all misss YOUUUU!!

so much for hope

2009-08-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

i asked a teacher at my former school how the new 9th graders were doing, and this was her answer:

by 3:30 I was swearing up a storm about how much I f-ing hate my f-ing DICK ninth graders and wish they were never f-ing born etc etc.

and this is one of the teachers i thought was at least decent? i was going to reply w/ "yea they can be dicks if you let them!" but alas, i ended the convo with "ooof, sorry."

oof, sorry 9th graders for your inadequate teachers.

what squad?

2009-08-01T02:32:00.000-07:00

i went trough two different sets of good byes in the past month and i absolutely cannot handle it. i never wrote about me leaving my children in june because i find that entirely too difficult to put into words. i also guess i've been so busy with institute that i haven't had a chance to really reflect on my work as a teacher with my students. when i even start, i start choking up, so i'd rather not do it.

today i said good bye to my mad squad, the 12 new corps members i trained to become fabulous teachers this past month. here's my last newsletter to them:

Mad Squad Daily
We're mad about the achievement gap. We're doing something about it.
July 31, 2009

Dear Mad Squad:

Congratulations on successfully completing Los Angeles Institute 2009!
It has been a real pleasure to work with you in one of the hardest, frustrating, exhausting, most demanding jobs I have come to know. And yet, because our work impacts hundreds of children circulating through our classrooms day after day, teaching is also one of those jobs that give us bunches of smiles, joy, complete exhilaration and hope. All of us started the summer mad about the achievement gap for severely limiting the futures of children growing up in the “wrong” zip codes. It is my hope that we leave the summer no longer angry, but instead confident that with the skills we’ve developed this summer, our children can and will attain the knowledge and confidence needed to have excellent futures. As you saw this summer, teaching is not going to be easy, but the feeling of watching even just one student succeed will more than make up for the obstacles.

And thanks again to all of you for helping our kids this summer shine! Enjoy your other children these next two years. They will be lucky to have you.

A

Needless to say, I didn't think these people would make such big impression on me. After 5 weeks together, we all pretty much loved each other, though. I can't wait to hear about their new students and their new classrooms.

what will i do without my students?

2009-06-23T01:07:00.001-07:00

tomorrow is my last day at bhs. i'm finishing grading their final essays and, holy shit, the average is a 90%! these kids are ridiculous and can write so well now! their reading levels could use help still-but considering that on average, these students came to my class reading at 4th grade levels, the fact that they are now at 6th grade is pretty badass. let's not mention that our goal for all periodic assessments was 67%, and we are ending the year at a 70%. all in all, this was a very successful year, far more successful than the first.

this year, though, was way harder than last year. the girls have SO much attitude (my poor TA deals with all of it!), and some of the boys are SO FUCKING LAZY. honestly if i didn't use my charm to get through the girls and crack some jokes with all the guys at appropriate times, and if i didn't call parents, and talk about the achievement and how this is affecting our communities, and made goals for ourselves and added transparent tracking to our walls, and gone above and beyond to find interesting books that they could read, and found ways to make essay writing simple and easy, and had tutoring and book clubs after school, and reinforced and encouraged achievement, and been strict when it came to getting to business in class, none of this would have been possible. honestly, it was really really hard.

but scores are not why i like this job. i like this job because of what i'll remember 10, 20 years from now. i'll remember how albert, the biggest badest cholo in my class, wrote a proficient essay and read 4 books on his own in the last semester of my class and scored a 79% on our state test, 1 point away from "advanced." i'll remember the fact that lili read 9 books this entire year when she hadn't read any in any english class before. i'll remember telling lakrystal that she is fucking bomb at english when apparently nobody had seen this in her before. i'll remember arguing with carlos only to have him write sweet little myspace messages to the effect of "mister you are my favorite teacher--sorry i act like that." i'll remember kimberly defending me through and through in class, and gabby's chola hard and tough look out on campus but sweet and giggly expressions in my class because I am "the only reason she comes to school." and of course, i'll remember my 10th graders, who swarm all over me whenever i walk through campus (sometimes inappropriately) and manage to cheer me up even when i'm feeling like crap.

i might just finally tear up tomorrow. hopefully nobody gives me no sass.

booya

2009-06-06T20:58:00.000-07:00

turns out my mom's house in east l.a. is two minutes away from the best fish tacos in los angeles. to be honest, these are the only fish tacos i've ever tried and yes, they are fucking bomb.

http://www.lataco.com/taco/tacos-baja-ensenada-east-los-angeles

the good thing is that since it the place is located in east l.a. and nobody wants to be there at night ("it's not the safest neighborhood," according to a deuche on yelp), i can go get $.99 tacos on wednesday nights without having to wait in a long line! i think i'm going to have to start going home every wednesday--and taking the next person who visits me there for dinner on me. :)

hot mess

2009-06-04T01:51:00.000-07:00

i'm sucking this week. and i have no real excuse except that i already know my students broke the achievement gap and so right now i am teaching them 10th grade shit, which diminishes all the pressure i felt to be awesome. they still need to write another essay before they leave me though! and i guess i really am enjoying teaching of mice and men, as barebones as it may be.

i am pretty certain my school is letting me go at the end of june, though. sad, but my admministrators have no idea how good i am because a) i don't show off, b) my classroom is in the boonies and so no one visit me, and c) most are fucking leaving, too, and so the new ones definitely will have no idea who i am. i have a job this summer, luckily, but what about september? so many tfa already know what they are doing and i do not! and what the fuck, i am training teachers this summer--i am talented at this--so i should step it up and just get hired already.

i'm fucking lazy.

job junting

2009-05-25T11:29:00.000-07:00

i just applied for a job in new york. the odds are slim, but i am TERRIFIED of moving again. TERRIFIED.

...especially since i know that when i am terrified of accepting a new adventure, i go ahead and do it anyway. that doesn't mean i'll get the job (they want three years of experience, i only have two), but we'll see.

though, ok, if i get a new job in l.a., i'm definitely staying. the party is here on the west side.

Latino fam

2009-05-24T13:40:00.000-07:00

I went to a big Latino wedding last night and I immediately felt nostalgic for the big parties my family used to throw when I was younger. These reunions are probably where I learned to dance, talk and enjoy having people around me. Unfortunately, all the big family reunions were gone when my mother moved us to L.A. because only two other uncles live here, and one of them single, so there's not really anyone to invite to parties. This has made the children--including myself--awkward, uncouth and somewhat socially inept. Luckily I forced myself to go 2,000 miles away for college on my own where I had to relearn some social grace to survive. But what about the others? Last year I sent my little sister to UCLA's Unicamp and she came back in love with strangers. My 16-year-old sister, though, hasn't had these experiences, and she is paying the price: She didn't even want a quinceanera when I was really trying to push for one! I'm working on it by making her join sports and band, but, honestly, how social can marching band make you?

The point is: I want big parties back. My mom had four kids, and if each of us make a family in Los Angeles, we'll finally have enough people to rent out a ballroom and dance merengue until 2 in the morning. Granted, family making for me will not happen until 10 or so years from now--but I do need to start knitting my current family together now before irreparable damage is done.

tears

2009-05-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

When my students averaged a 76% on their periodic assessment (when their goal was simply a 67%) last month, I nearly teared up.

When Carlos, easily one of my worse--yet smartest--students in my fourth period, sent me this message below, I nearly teared up again.

"Mr you know your the coolest and my favorite teacher ever even if I sometimes act retarted in your class I still care about your class thanks for helping me break the achievement gap :)"

One of these days I'm really going to cry.

2009-05-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

embarrassing. teachers at my school convened at the front of the school this morning to protest the massive layoffs the district is planning for next school year. my ass didn't wake up early enough--actually i totally forgot the protest was today--and walked into school at 7:10 (15 minutes before the bell rang) and bumped right into them. i could completely read their minds: "you are the one that's getting fired and you are not out here protesting? what is wrong with you?" all i could do was hide my tail between my leg and give the teachers who saw me walk in a sheepish smile.

at the same time, it's true. i don't care that much. i only, ONLY, care about my students and my family. it is ridiculous but getting my students to learn how to read and write at proficient levels has become my absolute main goal in life.

i absolutely love it, and i am not afraid to say that i am very good at it. but i continuously neglect other things. like paying bills. or paying taxes on time. or shaving my face. and probably most detrimental of all, searching or fighting for a secure job for next year.

the school year ends in a month and a half and i still have no idea what's happening to me after that.

Third Period Woes

2009-04-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

Ay dios mio. Third period will be the death of me.

Juan just cannot control himself! I sat him in the corner of the classroom, by himself, and he still got in trouble for talking. Talking to himself aloud! I really just think he needs to lay off the drugs. I can't help him until he does that.

Martin is a complete goof. He is lovable SOMETIMES but he really just likes to mess around with his friends when they're around. Most of the time he is fine in class because he knows I'm strict and I sit him near none of his friends, duh. But today, he started talking to Angie--another headache-- and said inappropriate things aloud in the class. I had to kick him out.

Then there was Luis. Luis, Luis, Luis. One of my lowest performing students--mostly because this fool simply does not READ! In the 10 minutes that we are required to read in class, I have to remind him to face his book about every three minutes. And because he doesn't read, something that's been happening for a while because he is reading at a first grade level (how the fuck does that happen?), he is completely failing my class. Today he wanted to go to the restroom and I didn't let him because we were reviewing for a test and he is failing so he really couldn't miss the material. But I should have just let him go because when I yelled at him for not following along with the lesson, he said "I'm not following because you don't let me go to the bathroom." Little shit threw a passive aggressive tantrum. I enforced consequences, but instead of listening to me he just walked out. I just got off the phone with his mother, who at least was understanding and says she wants him to improve. I want him to improve too, but now we only have two months left to do it. How am I going to do this?

I haven't mentioned Angie, Jesus, Miriam, and Christian--all who give me headaches in their own ways. The good thing: Albert, usually a pain as well, did all his work and even came to tutoring to study for tomorrow's test!

Now that I think about it, I am really surprised this class averaged a 78 percent on the last test and that I manage to get them to do their work. Only four of them are failing! Also, I hate when I tell people that this is my worst class and they're like "Really?! this class is so well-behaved!" Well-behaved my buttocks. They can do so much better than that.

dreams

2009-04-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish i could just set up my own school and take all of my students with me. last year's students too.

i'd hire only the best teachers to teach them science, math, health, spanish, etc. teachers who would make them stay after school for tutoring when they know the students are failing. teachers who would encourage them to try their best and take tests seriously. teachers who call their parents and let them know what's going on in the classroom. teachers who expose them to colleges and tell them that yes, it is possible for you to attend one of these schools. all it takes is hard work and determination, which you have.

and i myself would teach them english, obviously, and maybe even journalism. and instead of having only one favorite teacher a year (like they do this year, ahem), they'd have five favorite teachers. our scores would be so high, the nytimes would be all up on us. and then four years later, 100 percent of them would have made their parents proud by attending college.

it's a nice dream, which is what's sad about it. it's making me really depressed to know that once they leave me, my students will be fucked. some 10th grade teachers have good intentions, but they are not the best. why can't other teachers work as hard as i do? this is a serious job, people. our babies deserve the best instruction. i would kill to provide it for them until they left for college.

but alas, i can only do so much.

oh lordy

2009-04-12T16:41:00.000-07:00

this is what jenny wrote in answer to the question: "check out the grade distribution for last week's test. did we improve or go down? how did we do compared to other classes? why do you think that happened?"

I'll see da grades later because right now i'm to fucking lazy to get up and look 4 my name. so mr, what cha doing?? I like your shirt today it's so blue and nice, it's really cool. and thos black pant's go good with that!! good job of figuring that out! have a good weekend okey :)

this is the same girl who told me i wouldn't get fired because loma vista (her gang) has got my back. i hope she is not messing and that i really do have gang affilitiations now.

2009-04-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

i have sinuses and a sore throat and my fucking body hurts. i hope it's just a normal cold and not something debilitating like mono.

p.s. i finally like this year's students more than last year's.

2009-04-07T00:06:00.001-07:00

today was about the hardest day of my life.

...especially when i subbed for a 10th grade english class during my conference period. my heart sank because three of my favorites last year, jamie, greejster and rosa, are in a class with literally 25 more students who do not care about their education. granted the teacher i subbed for is super nice and seems like she really cares about their students, so maybe the students are good with her. but my formers snitched and said nobody respects her and most refuse to do her work. jamie, greejster and rosa have turned into the smartest students in the classroom, which is great, but they are no longer being challenged to improve their skills.

which is both depressing and encouraging. depressing because this is where most of my students are headed in the coming years. encouraging because it makes my role all that more important--my students deserve to have at least one english teacher who can motivate them during their high school years.

speaking of motivation, i was really excited last week when i heard that my worse student, juan, had been expelled to another school. he was involved in an on-campus rumble last week. but somehow the little fucker came back with bloodshot eyes and a crooked smile on his face today. so our war is not over and my job is still difficult. the work really does not ever end.

confession

2009-03-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

i only like my job because i feel that i am good at it. with all the validation i've been receiving lately, i'm pretty much in love. but it is still fucking hard! and tfa, like the critical parent it is, sure doesn't help.

anecdotal evidence: on just the day i decided to stray from traditional lesson planning and introduce what i thought would be an innovative lesson (i had my students research the historical background of a raisin in the sun online), both my program director AND the regional director of tfa came to watch me teach. things did not go as smoothly as planned and i became visibly frustrated because, holy shit people i look up to in tfa were watching me and i wasn't being perfect.

just as expected, i was grinded when i went in to the downtown office to debrief. my pd presented me with an overview of "lesson planning" as if i didn't know how to teach. i'm sorry, but i mean, wasn't i just hired to teach new teachers how to teach? i think i know this stuff. luckily for me, my students did well on their quiz, which was evidence that they did learn during that lesson, and then my pd felt awkward because she realized she wasted 2 hours of my life on stuff i already knew how to do. she's wonderful, though, and i felt bad too for not helping her help me.

so now i am sacrificing all my free time to make sure that i am perfect and tfa never catches me off guard again. which is exactly why i think this job is not sustainable. if i keep doing it, i might as well say good bye to my dreams of boozy weekends and finding a fun, loveable, economically disadvantaged yet fucking smart girlfriend at an echo park establishment. i mean, i went to bed at 9 p.m. on both friday and saturday nights. will this be the rest of my life? that would be fucking sad.

perhaps the biggest validation of my tfa years

2009-03-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

my former students--now 10th graders--took the english portion of their high school exit exam today. i always see some of them when i walk through campus during nutrition or lunch (i honestly feel like a celebrity at my school--everyone says hi to me!). anyway, i had like five students all tell me they wrote about me in the written portion of the test.

me? i said...what the hell is so interesting about me?

well, jose said, the prompt asked us to write a narrative piece about someone who made an impact in our community.

i made in an impact? i asked. i don't even live here!

yea!, maria said, you told us you're just like us. you related to us and showed us we could do it. you had book clubs and encouraged us to take harder classes, said julia. you raised our test scores more than any other teacher we've had, added jose. you stayed with us until past 6 p.m. and gave us rides home if it's too dark to walk, said ricky--who wasn't even in my class last year but would stay in my tutoring anyway.

tres cute. let's just hope all the sucking up gets them to pass because i certainly did not teach how to write narratives last year. (it's not required in the 9th grade, alright!)

well.

2009-03-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

good teacher or not, the los angeles unified school district just sent me a pink slip informing me that i'll be out of a job come june 30 2009.

i better send my resumes out fast.

say what?

2009-03-13T12:59:00.001-07:00

shut the fuck up i am working at institute this summer! i will be in charge of 12 new tfa teachers and it is my job to teach them the ropes to breaking the achievement gap in inner city classrooms.

it's exactly as hard as it sounds. fuck. but ok yes this proves i am a good teacher; can you hire me now, kipp? thanks.

2009-03-07T10:28:00.000-08:00

"If you want to make a difference in a kid's life, you have to first of all let them know that they make a difference in your life."

135 students this time and I think I've got every one of them on my side except for Juan and Albert. Except that Juan wrote that I'm his favorite teacher on a survey--say what?-- but messed up and I had to kick him out yesterday (what the hell!). And I wasn't feeling Albert at all this week except that yesterday he did ALL his work. "This is the most work I've done all year!"

These fools do make a big difference in my life. If they mess up, I feel like a terrible teacher all day. And I know they're battling demons that spawn from their terrible lives at home, but that shouldn't matter when you're in my classroom. I need to communicate this.

Here we go again...

2009-03-02T00:53:00.000-08:00

Re “Smaller-Is-Better Theory of Class Size Faces New Test in a Time of Pinched Budgets” (The New York Times news article, Feb. 22):

Class size does matter. Teachers today routinely work a seven-hour day. Then, like the garment workers of yesteryear, they must take home hours of additional work.

Besides writing detailed lessons, teaching, tutoring and attending professional meetings, teachers are expected to give and grade class work and homework daily, keep individual statistics, write progress reports, fill out report cards and be in contact with parents.

For teachers in New York City, this often means a 60- to 80-hour week. But with fewer students, teachers can not only focus more on individual students, but even occasionally spend time with their own families.

Last year, I had 160 students. Spending only three minutes per student per day on paperwork equals 40 hours per week. Added to actual teaching, this can mean an 80-hour week for city teachers. Large classes and better teachers are not sustainable.

Brooklyn, Feb. 23, 2009

The writer was a high school history teacher.

She forgot to mention the tutoring I do after school, the time I spend buying books, the time I spend decorating and cleaning the classroom, the time I spend making tests and tracking my student's knowledge on huge excel sheets to ensure that they are following the standards, the time I spend going to useless meetings with inefficient administrators that frustrate me more than teach me anything, the time I spend at TFA meetings on Saturday mornings, the time I spend modifying lessons for my special ed students, the time I spent going to football games, basketball games, dance shows, quinceaneras to show my students that I care about them. It's no wonder I sucked last year, even with reduced classes.

I got about 10 new students added to my classes this semester (which starts on Tuesday), most of them with terrible test scores attached to their names. But I ain't going to complain because I'm adopting Obama's mantra: Take advantage of a crisis to grab an opportunity.

But, I mean, if we don't make significant gains on my last semester as a TFA, I'm really just fucking done with this job. There's no reason to sacrifice my entire life (because that really is what I'm sacrificing right now) when I am not improving anything--especially when pinched budgets are threatening to ruin my game.

Not going to lie, I's scared.

what you know about that?

2009-02-13T18:16:00.000-08:00

According to Joel Stein from the L.A. Times, "Between Jan. 26 and Feb. 2, Facebook users sent out 5 million of these 25 Things lists, far more than any other application in social networking history." (http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-stein13-2009feb13,0,2753621.column).

I would hate to post this on facebook and have the tools from Northwestern I haven't spoken to since graduation know 25 extra random things about me. But I will admit talking about myself has its charm, especially since I can't find anything else to write about. Here it is:

1. I daydream and get lost in my thoughts far too often. This means I hardly get things done unless they are due right away.

2. There was a point in my life (9th grade to be exact) when I devoured all of Amy Tan's novels that were published at the time, tried to learn Chinese, was in love with Asian women and even wished I were Asian myself. I think this was a form of culture shock: whereas my middle school was entirely Latino, my high school was about 40% Asian.

3. I also read (and own!) all of the Goosebump book series that were out during middle school. My collection is somewhere in my mom's garage.

4. I've only been to two foreign countries: Turkey and Honduras.

5. When I was in second grade I called my mother a "desgraciada." She then threw me on the floor and slapped me across the face about five times, which inevitably left huge purple marks on my cheeks. Needless to say, I never cussed at my mom again.

6. I am really proud of the fact that I wasn't even born in the U.S. and didn't even learn English until the fourth/fifth grade and I was still one of like 3 people in my high school who got 5's on both AP U.S. History and A.P. English. What's up, bitches???

7. I talk about my high school experience a lot--especially to my sisters. I am really glad they listen, though they probably wish I'd shut the hell up already.

8. When I first joined band, I really wanted to play the saxophone. However, it was expensive and my mom couldn't afford it. So I settled for the cheapest instrument available: the clarinet. I actually got really good at it, so I guess it worked out.

9. I was in band for 12 years of my life--4 years in middle school, 4 years in high school, 2 years in college. I am 100% sure band is what kept me off the streets growing up, but I think doing it in college was a bit of overkill. I haven't touched any clarinet since I quit.

10. I have a feeling I'm going to stay in Los Angeles forever.

11. But I still want to escape to New York again for at least a year or two of my life.

12. I am not used to rejection at all and often take it personally even when I know I shouldn't.

13. I am a perfectionist to the 10th degree. I will keep working on things until they are truly perfect or I run out of time. I usually just run out of time, which means I am never satisfied with my work.

14. I've never truly felt successful at anything until I started teaching. However, this is probably because the standards at the school where I teach aren't all that high to begin with.

15. Northwestern was nowhere near perfect and yet I still find myself missing it.

16. Now that I'm back in L.A., my family means the world to me. They influence my life decisions more than they'll ever know.

17. I've always been apprehensive about living alone but now that I've done it, I love it! No one judges me when I sleep too much or stay up too late. I still get lonely at times, but luckily my family lives 15 minutes away.

18. Ever since my speech coach told me I wasn't winning tournaments because I had a Latino accent (I am sorry English wasn't my first language, asshole), I've been self-conscious about the way I speak. This made me apprehensive about speaking in public (ironic, wasn't joining speech supposed to make me feel comfortable about this?). It got worse in college; I sometimes mispronounced a "big" word because, while I knew what it meant from reading it, I never had anyone to model the pronunciation for me. Now that I teach and speak up all the time, my apprehension was waned considerably, though.

19. I still mispronounce "big" words, especially when I'm teaching vocab! But it's okay because, when my students catch me, it sends the message that a) nobody is perfect, even the teacher, b) the teacher really understands what it's like to be an English Language Learner, and c) being an English Language Learner is not going to stop you from achieving! :)

20. I gave up television in the 10th grade because I thought it was too distracting. I still don't really watch it.

21. I wish I had more friends in L.A. But I am terrible at going out and keeping up with people when I'm teaching because the little free time I have is used for family.

22. We speak a lot of Spanglish at my house, but I think this has really confused my little brother.

23. My favorite cereal is Raisin Bran.

24. I wish I had a life goal because, while I know I want success, I have no idea where I'm going.

25. I have consistently kept an online blog since the tenth grade. I started with blogger, moved to livejournal, then to xanga, and now blogger again. Apparently I really like talking about myself? I hope I don't get annoying.

this is an SOS

2009-02-04T17:40:00.001-08:00

remember when i first started this tfa stint and i dared to complain that i wasn't going to be working at a legit ghetto school?

that was such bullshit. my administrators totally duped me. for one, bell, maywood and cudahy are far from safe--one of my students told me her sister got jumped by three girls when she was walking home from her community college one night. i grew up in east l.a. and i never got jumped (i have good strong legs. though i did get mugged and sexually accosted once. long stories.)

this year a kid got shot on our basketball courts after school. not only that: apparently, we have to watch out for the other teachers, too.

yesterday, a couple of teachers had an argument on campus and one of them took out a 9 mm gun and pointed it towards the other-- during classtime! luckily no one got hurt, but what the fuck? what if it were me who pissed off the guy with the gun? and did this guy forget that there are children in this building??

i'm so glad i'm a quiet laidback kind of guy who doesn't mess with anyone. and that my classroom is literally the last bungalow in the school (it's practically in another city). though if a gunman did chase me down, who would hear me?

i love my kids but this school is whack as hell.

i fly like paper, get high like planes

2009-01-23T22:21:00.001-08:00

these things i know:

+ new york is still bad ass! i am glad i lived there for 6 months and that i have friends and family there because now i can return over and over again without ever getting bored. i mean, it's really the next closest thing to living there. i am lucky in a way--so many people in l.a. have never even been!

+ barry obama officially became the 44th president of the united states on tuesday and i was there to witness the event! it wasn't easy: i spent an hour stuck in a train station, four more hours in the miserable cold, 3+ hours of walking around aimlessly in downtown d.c. trying to evade the multitudes of people and figuring out a way to get home. eventually it got too cold to even think--we stood near a warm vent alongside a hotel, then realized it'd probably be even warmer inside the hotel. we had to sneak through the underground parking lot because the hotel was obviously not letting anyone in. after an hour, we walked outside to realize that the train stations were STILL crowded, so we said "fuck that" and walked our asses home. yes, i crossed the potomac and walked to virginia. all for the obamas! seriously, those 30 mins of bliss when the sun came out and barry made his spectacular speech and i felt proud to be an american for the first time in my life were well worth it! i cannot wait to tell my students about it.

+i have the keys to my new apartment! i am living in a really cheap 1 bdrm apt in downey, 15 mins away from my school and 25 mins away from l.a. (not like i party that much anyway). however, i am terrified of moving! while i hate my house, this is where i grew up and it constantly reminds me of where i came from--it's sad to leave it. furthermore, i am completely starting anew here--i have absolutely no furniture. today i went to ikea and ended up not buying anything but silverware because i am indecisive and also afraid to spend too much money. this is going to be a stressful process.

+oh! my friends and i got kicked out of a bar in dupont circle (right!?) simply because we were minorities. i mean, long story, but when you think about it, that shit wouldn't have happened if we were white, you know? obama might be president, but racism is still present in many forms and ways.

shizzle

2009-01-08T01:27:00.000-08:00

not going to lie, i left for vacation three weeks ago completely exhausted from my job. november and december were terrible; while anthony and yazandra and grecia and carlos and aldo (30 in total, actually) all made significant gains in the classroom, as a whole we were not even close to where we needed to be. also, when i left the classroom, i found out that this year's literature exam is in APRIL instead of MAY, which means we have less time to prepare for the test in the spring! the curveballs don't stop, even as a veteran.

then there were the shootings, and students joining crews and gangs, and favorites fighting other favorites, and favorites getting expelled, and people tagging all over the school (my door, actually), and students who promised me they'd write their final essay not turn one in (ok, just jazmin and mario--but still! little fuckers promised. i'm so pissed), and the raining buckets outside at the time--i just fucking hated that place and didn't want to see it again for a good long time.

or so i thought. today i got an email from tfa warning us that the governator has proposed budget cuts for k-12 schools in california somewhere in the range of $2.5-$8 billion over two years and that the district is preparing for the worse by firing 2,300 first and second year english, math, and elementary teachers across the district. this has huge implications for students of all backgrounds in the entire state of california, but all i could think of is: who will continue to encourage eliana and xochitl to continue reading? who will make sure rosa and maria are enrolled in honors next year? who will beat scott with a stick to make sure he's writing his essays? how miserable will i be knowing that i left so many brilliant students with untapped potential virtually hanging from a cliff? i don't mean to go all holden caulfield here, but, despite all the pressure, there's nowhere else i'd rather be.

all for 09

2009-01-02T08:01:00.000-08:00

it's only been two days and 2009 is already proving to be a shitshow. i am not sure i like it. so, my resolutions?

live on my own.
upgrade my efficiency.
create more reliable friendships.

let's hope i can muster the energy.

i hate grading essays

2008-12-21T17:30:00.001-08:00

i mean, i am glad the majority of my students cared enough about my class to turn in their final paper, but DAMN--these things are bitches to grade. no wonder other teachers hate assigning them. but i still do these because if my students end up going to college and majoring in english or history, paper writing will become the bane of their existence. they need to practice their skills, no matter how tedious it is for me to grade.

which reminds me, our fabulous 10th grader honors english teacher didn't assign even ONE single paper to her students during the last four months that make up fall semester. it took them the entire four months to read shakespeare's julius ceasar, which by the looks of it no one understood anyway. my former smarties--the ones i recommended to honors because i believe they have a prosperous future-- came back and told me: "i totally forgot how to write papers because we didn't do any of that in that class! will i be okay when i go to to college?" no you won't! "i think i learned more in your class than in hers," they say. what the fuck? it's called HONORS english for a reason--my class was a regular freshman english class.

this lady is messing with my babies' futures. i think i'm going to complain to the principal--but there's another useless piece of bureaucracy that probably will not do anything about it. this would not be happening if my students weren't from a poor minority community. and by the way this teacher talks, i know for a fact she doesn't believe anyone from this neighborhood can get far in life--despite telling her that i was bred in east l.a. and went to a top tier college and what? like the rest of the world, she thinks i'm an anomaly, which is true, but not because poor latinos don't have the skills--it's because our opportunities are consistently curtailed by, among other things, teachers like this one who don't think it's possible for us to prevail. what a huge injustice.

fucking lazy people should stay away from teaching, is all i gotta say.

exposition

2008-12-13T10:24:00.000-08:00

yesterday, friday, my students took their test on exposition. it is admittedly way too hard for them, and part of that is my fault because i didn't prepare everyone as well as i could have.

but yesterday i realized i've successfully convinced most of them to take my class seriously. i told them our goal was to get an average of 70% on the test, but that i do realize we'd been together for only three months and that it's nearly impossible to make significant gains in the classroom in less than half a year (some tfaers do it, though, but i guess i'm not that awesome). "if we reach the goal, we can have a party," i told them, "but if we don't, it's okay, i'll still like you. we still have 4 months until the year is over--don't sweat it!"

even though they knew the odds were against them, everyone still tried their best; miriam, who wouldn't even take my tests at the beginning of the year, told me to hold her cell phone because she knew people would be texting her in the middle of the test and she "didn't want to get distracted." even sixth period shut up for once and took the test seriously.

i was melting inside--until tania neglected to bring her independent reading book for the fifth time this week and so i kicked her out. maybe that's why they listen to me; i'm an ass.

but seriously, i need to become a better teacher for them. how is it fair that they try their best and they still don't perform up to standards?

crunch time

2008-12-08T06:03:00.001-08:00

t-minus 5 days until my kids take their benchmark test on expository writing. unlike last year, i've succesfully taught everything that's on the test--and we even have a few days to review!

there was no time for a preliminary test before they take the real big one, though, which makes me nervous because--what if they are fooling me and haven't really learned this shit? we need to review like mad, then.

i can't afford to mess up, fall asleep or be too tired this week. if i'm a good teacher, this is the time to show it.

thank goodness i'm over my november low (it was terrible, but i survived it) and on to my december high (i love my job right now!). off to kinkos--then work!

Reflection

2008-11-29T11:59:00.000-08:00

This blog is full of unnecesary whining. From now on, happy thoughts:

Three and a half weeks until a 2 month winter vacation! :)

november blues

2008-11-23T21:47:00.000-08:00

this teaching thing is hard and i'm getting really tired of it all. i spent two hours (!) talking to my tfa mentor about how to best help out students who are reading at 2nd and 3rd grade level (believe it or not, there are a few)--and yet we accomplished nothing. i know i need to pull these students aside and help them individually, the question is HOW. she didn't really tell me how; we just talked and talked and talked and i didn't really learn anything new...

which is frustrating because there's only about a month left for the semester to be over and things in my classroom are far from perfect. some students might leave without having learned anything. it's these fools who will bring down our class averages on the tests--so i really need to impact them now, not later. it's just that, as always, i don't have enough energy nor the the time management necessary to be amazing. apparently, my sisters are even worse at time management than i am; they're both about to flunk several of their classes. my mom doesn't know how the school system works here (she is so lucky i was self-motivated on this aspect), so it's on me to make sure these little bitches bring up their grades and at least make it to some college after high school. i thrive on stress, but this is a little too much to handle.

on the plus side, three day week ahead, YES!

2008-11-19T06:06:00.000-08:00

12 (out of 22) of my students are failing my class in 6th period. yesterday it was established that they hate me--tania exploded and said "why do you always fight with us?!"

woah woah, fight? it's more like asking you to do what you're supposed to be doing. somehow it's not going through that i actually care about them and i want them to succeed. the thing is, the rest of my classes are doing just fine; it's just this last one that's proving hard to convince. i know there are 5 special ed students in this class and maybe the fact that i'm treating them the same as normal students isn't helping? even though california law dictates that i have a special ed teacher in the classroom helping me out, there is NO ONE available to help me during that period. because, you know, english isn't that important or anything. and maybe i did bring up test scores last year but i'm not a miracle worker.

but that's putting the blame on someone else and not on me. it is after all, my class, and i need to do something about them. i have one month in the semester to change things.

loosing steam

2008-11-08T23:12:00.000-08:00

today i went to my classroom to try and do some work for the week, but I ended up taking a 2 hour nap on the cushions i placed at the classroom reading corner instead. thanks to daylight savings, it was dark outside when i woke up--and the gates have been locked early due to the shooting that happened on campus last week. i thus had to leave campus without accomplishing anything.

i hope this isn't the beginning of my annual november burnout. last year, i completely burned out during this month. i would come home and fall asleep immediately so i didn't have to think about what a terrible teacher i was being for my students. and while driving to work in the mornings, i constantly hoped one or more trailer trucks would bump me off the road so i wouldn't have to go to school. luckily, november ended and things got way better on their own before my suicide fantasies became true. but still, i don't want to hit that low point ever again (it was some of my most miserable moments in my life, and i know misery).

so what do i need to do? get off my ass! i have so much to do, though, i don't even know where to start. what's worse, i am far too lethargic lately-- i don't want to do shit. laziness is my biggest enemy.

before i leave, some good news: + the barista at starbucks spelled my name correctly!
+ my students scored an average of 60% on the district state test we took last week. the goal is to get them to 67%. it's been only two months, so i suppose that despite the lethargy, i'm not doing too badly (though some TFAers are already at 70% or higher--wtf?!). still, the next test is on december and i have nothing planned! we're also reading a book called "a night to remember," which even i find boring as fuck. this is probably why i'm lacking on motivation. november is not my month.

OBAMANOS!!!

2008-11-05T01:57:00.001-08:00

it's 2 a.m. and i haven't really prepared much for tomorrow, but i fucking love Obama. My sisters, mom and I were literally glued to the TV during his victory speech, hugging each other and yelling "WE LOVE AMERICA!" even though we're part of the periphery and mom just became a full fledged citizen last year. but this means so much to people like us right now!!! i can't even believe i was a hilary supporter at one point--obama is the MAN.

of course i had to go out and drink a beer pr two in honor of this historical event. i am going to be a mess tomorrow, but you know what? now i can tell my students one of them can become president one day, too. anything is fucking possible. si se puede, amigos. i love my country!

casualties

2008-11-04T12:47:00.000-08:00

apparently a man got shot and died at the gym at around 6:30 yesterday. guess who was still at work? guess whose classroom is next to the gym? guess who was stuck in his classroom for about another hour because the entire school was put in lockdown? no kids were around, luckily, but a few did witness the body collapse yesterday. i should be worried and check if they need any counseling--though the fact that they're telling all their friends about it tells me they'll be alright.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bellshooting4-web-2008nov04,0,5694948.story

two more periods and then today is OVER--i can't wait for veteran's day.

panic! in the classroom

2008-10-21T22:35:00.001-07:00

my students have been required to read a book during the first 10 minutes of class for about a month now. since most of them were finishing up with their books, i thought it was high time we had a "grand conversation," an activity where each student stands up and gives a 2 minute presentation about the book they read. (totally stole this idea from my 10th grade honors english teacher. thanks ms. harris!)

...you'd think i asked them to jump from the brooklyn bridge the way some of them reacted.

melissa stood up, got red and said "um....um....um...." for about a minute until her classmates encouraged her to keep going ("cmon melissa you can do it!"). she eventually mumbled something about "the notebook" that nobody understood. i asked her to do it over--slowly this time--and she got a passing grade out of it!

jaime told me "mister can i just take the zero?," to which i replied: "i never said this was an option. EVERYBODY participates." and he went on and did a wonderful presentation. silly.

genesis tried to tell me she didn't want to go up (i could see the worry in her face), but i ignored her gaze and just announced "genesis is next! quickly please!" she had no option but to go up without protesting. and did a wonderful job!

luis was acting all hard. "fuck that, i ain't going up. hell no, i ain't going up. nah man, i don't care, he can't make." to which i replied: "well i guess we're just going to wait here until luis feels like going up--even if it means staying in for lunch." worked like a charm: the rest of the students quickly peer pressured him to go up (yea team again!) and he did an okay job, red-faced and all.

rosa was doing fine in her presentation until out of nowhere she freaked out and yelled "MISTER I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! CAN I SIT DOWN?!" and covered her face with her paper. rosa is the smartest girl in my third period, so i quickly said "rosa, you are smart, stop the silliness. take a deep breath and finish." she finished and got a good score.

the only one that got away was albert, who really just got away with it because he hasn't read A THING since he came into my class. furthermore, he decided to say "this fool is tripping, i ain't going up, fuck that" aloud. i heard it and decided to make this my excuse to send him to the dean's office immediately. the message for the rest of the class became clear: you participate in my activities or you face serious consequences, no excuses.

i'm going to have to pencil in more presentations so that the panic attacks can stop. imagine if they do this at a job interview? my kids need to be stars. stars are meant to shine.

shit.show

2008-10-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

third period today was TERRIBLE. kids laughed at me when i called out "warnings." that's because i never follow through with them--the consequences just don't seem real to them. i need to start enforcing them more consistently. furthermore, omar made the worse decision ever today: i trusted him to do research on a classroom computer so he could work on his persuasive essay, but instead he found cartoon porn. cartoon porn! bart doing lisa doggy style! his ass went straight to the dean's without myself even having to yell him. albert got kicked out after i had just spoken to his grandma and counselor about what he had to do to pass my class--he just doesn't get it, though i'm sure the crazy classroom environment doesn't help. meanwhile, miriam, martin and christian sat on their desks for a whole hour DOING NOTHING. this is what i hate most, kids wasting class time. you bet your ass i yelled at them, though i need a new tactic because yelling is not going to get me anywhere.

it's a hot mess of a classroom and it's completely my fault. 5th and 6th are also a little messy, which is why i know a lot of this is my fault. i've been super disorganized lately--probably because the fact that i'm "good" is going to my head and i'm just slacking off, as i always do whenever i think i'm good at something. if only i wasn't so tired all the time and could stay up to grade papers and plan and write failure notices and call parents and track students and figure out ways to become a better teacher, beginning with figuring out ways to bump up my organization, then i'd be amazing. sadly, there are two months left and my energy is all but gone. i still have some motivation, i just need to wake up the fuck up.

but it's 11:30 and my bed looks so comfortable...

TODAY

2008-10-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

--found out one of my former students is pregnant. from a guy she met while on vacation in mexico. yet more proof that abstinence only sex ed is not the answer!

--took my students to an assembly where an upper middle class woman talked about her high school experience and how hard it was for her to get to college. she is from upper middle class michigan and "settled" to attend eastern michigan univ. because she was rejected from 8 top colleges. first--a middle class white woman comes and tells poor minority children that her life was hard. i mean, maybe it was hard, but the context of that hardship is entirely different. furthermore, "settling" for these students means not even graduating from high school. i think it is imprudent to come tell them "not to settle" for any college when 70% of them are not even going to attend it in the first place. halfway through her speech, she noticed that the children were not paying attention and said "wow, this is really disrespectful." the children have no excuse for being rude, but this made the disconnect blatantly obvious. she even told the students our school has one of the best career/college centers in the city--when all the college office has is information on going to l.a. tech or the cal states. seriously?

--broke up a fight as we were leaving the auditorium. i was diplomatic about it, of course (them dudes were fucking bigger than me), but my soothing words helped them back down. the worse part is that some teaching aides were around too and they did nothing! thanks for leaving the dirty work to the small dude...

-got a few visits from former students! i sent about 20 all stars to 10th grade honors english this year, yet most of them come back telling me that a)the teacher spends the periods talking about her life and b) they're not reading or writing anything! i sent these kids to honors because they needed a more rigorous curriculum that would adequately prepare them for college--not because i wanted their 10th grade class to be easier than mine. i'm tempted to complain to higher authorities.

--hung out with a college friend two nights in a row!

--i'm having an "off" week. my kids are restless and i'm very tired, possibly because i've been hanging out too much. maybe i need a mental health day (i.e. day off).

ball--ing!

2008-10-13T20:29:00.000-07:00

i accidentally told my third period that "i don't have any balls" today.

here's how it happened: third period, my worse class due to the presence of three gangbangers that just fuck everything up for everybody, were being jackasses as i was trying to teach grammar (verb tense consistency--very hard when only half the class knows what tenses are!) everybody else was getting super distracted by them; laughing at their jokes, having side conversations, not shutting up when i told them that they really needed to pay attention. i cannot deal with little shits who only come to class to mess around, and so i only give these fools three warnings before they are kicked out of my classroom. omar and juan eventually exhausted their warnings (i actually gave omar four! never again), and, with a mean look on my face, i told them to leave the classroom IMMEDIATELY.

juan and omar decided not to leave without playing a little joke on me. i wish i would have seen it coming.

juan nonchalantly comes up to me and says: "hey mister, i forgot to ask you something."
me: "what?"
juan: "you know those little balls i was holding earlier? you seen them?" (he came in with a blue ball that i told him to put away earlier)
me: "nope, why would i have them?"
juan: "i don't know, you kept them."
me: "look, i don't have any balls, get out of my classroom!"

a short interchange, but the class literally ERUPTED in laughter, which hurt me a little because a) it wasn't that funny, and b) this is huge disrespect! as soon as juan left, i turned to the classroom and yelled "you guys don't want to learn? FINE! you are going to sit there SILENTLY for the next 30 minutes of class--and i MEAN SILENT." i can't remember if i was pissed or acting, but i stormed to my desk and sat there for next 10 minutes with a pissed off face on. some fools tried talking, but stopped immediately after i'd give them a look and yell: "didn't i tell you to shut up?" let's be honest, a man of my stature can't scare people, but i'm sure they could tell i was disappointed-- i NEVER sit in my desk during class.

about 10 minutes in, the remaining of the three gangbangers yelled "mister, i want to learn!" ironic how that works. i couldn't deal with losing a whole class day, and so i went back to the board and gave the movitational speech of my life. "i don't know what kind of classrooms you are used to, but i told you from day 1 this classroom was going to be different. in this classroom, we are here to break the achievement gap, to prove to everybody that students from our backgrounds can and will succeed if they want to. you KNOW we are years behind other ninth graders across the country. we cannot wait until tomorrow to start catching up. etc etc"

i don't know if they ate it up, but the rest of my lecture went on with zero interruptions. i'm hoping for my life that i don't have to start all over tomorrow.

my future

2008-09-28T13:22:00.000-07:00

remember how this two year stint was supposed to give me time to straighten out my future? the future remains crumpled and i have no idea what my next move will be, except for maybe teaching a third year?

though, not going to lie, having my life back would be really nice. being a student again would be fantastic too! the problem is i have to get my act together for that and i have absolutely no time nor discipline these days. i think i may have fucked myself over with this job.

three weeks in.

2008-09-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

i am a much better teacher this year, i think. i accidentally went to school with nothing planned twice this week but i quickly recoiled by crafting student-centered activities in less than an hour during my conference period. and, unlike last year, they've actually turned out well! i've also made my expectations more explicit: bring books, papers and pencils or you get a zero. you want to borrow one? pay me a quarter (to fund our reading corner!) and i'll let you have one. come to class on time or the door closes on your ass and you get detention. the response is great: kids literally run to my classroom this year (it is, after-all, the most distant classroom on campus--but do i care? no excuses, motherfuckers). furthermore, i introduced our "read, baby, read" project by rapping a cheesy "reading is cool!" song. one smart-ass kid asked "is this a special ed class?" because i made them stomp and clap to the song as I rapped. my response: "you are NOT too school for school--do as you are told or you are singing the song in front of the class on your own." despite the groans and giggles, my reading corner was immediately ransacked--several copies of Go Ask Alice, Perks of Being a Wallflower, A Child Called It and Twilight were gone within one day. G said she's already halfway done with her book and the reading project doesn't start until Tuesday. say what?

...and yet, the school remains a shit show (possibly more than it was last year) and so i still find myself in knee deep shambles from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. five days a week. for one, the first two weeks of school were full of schedule changes--kids transferred in and out of my classes without warning every single day. my second period was entirely taken away and i was given a entirely fresh batch of 9th graders to teach during first period, which starts promptly at 7:30 a.m., two weeks into the semester. i did not have a first period last year, so my actual teaching didn't actually occur until an hour after i got into campus. since my fatal flaw is frequent tardiness, this was a blessing. but this year, my ass has to be extra early to be prepared for first period--i am NOT happy.

furthermore, my kids are reading everywhere from the 3rd grade level to 9th grade level; the average is fifth grade. AND i'm slowly but surely finding out more about the turbulent lives of my students and how that's keeping them from succeeding. m, for example, had a miscarriage and has consequently left two of my quizzes entirely blank. "too much stuff is going on right now, mister."

i sometimes ask myself: how are these students supposed to learn in the face of the "stuff" that works against them? but i am quickly reassured: i myself beat the odds despite a turbulent upbringing. more importantly, a good number of my former students scored proficient on periodic assessments and on the CST last year, even when their lives are far from perfect. this is not an impossible job (though, 80% of the time, it will sure feel like it).

i am going to miss last year.

2008-09-01T01:58:00.000-07:00

i am so anxious, i can't sleep. tres cute, i suppose, but this is possibly my last year teaching--the new batch has a lot of work ahead of them if they intend to be even more memorable than my first year's kids.

last week of summer 08

2008-08-25T18:48:00.000-07:00

--i go back to the bungalows next tuesday, assuming that my school still wants me. that shouldn't be a question, but I haven't heard anything about the new year starting from them yet; are they just going to call me later this week and tell me to show up on tuesday without giving me any time to set up my room? PROBABLY! which means i will have to sacrifice my labor day weekend to have the room ready for the new batch of students. the good thing about being a second-year teacher is that i now know what to expect. i'm even a pro at sneaking into campus on weekends and holidays, though hopefully security has not heightened in the last two months since i've been there. (did i ever mention the time i got caught on campus after hours and was briefly handcuffed by campus police because i looked like a student? great story.)

there are other goods too, but they are currently being overshadowed by my anxiety. i have "potential" to be really fantastic next year, but each time i realize i have any type of "potential," i let the compliments go to my head and my existing talent either remains stagnant or spirals downward. it happened with my clarinet, it happened with tennis, it happened with speech, it happened with journalism.

this time, though, i'm fully aware that if i fuck up this job, 120 poor minority children will go down with me. and there will be no one to blame but myself. that kind of accountability might just keep me going.

take me to new york, i want to see l.a.

2008-08-21T06:26:00.000-07:00

at first, i really wanted to despise nyc, especially since the fact that i haven't been there in two years makes me a complete outsider. i couldn't say i rooted for the yankees and preferred doing brunch to breakfast without feeling like i was fronting. i also felt overwhelmed by the masses and masses of people attacking the streets and subways, confused by almost identical high-rises in midtown, and completely repelled by the cost of living there. i was even glad i didn't live in the city at one point; i'm sure the constant flow of alcohol and ample opportunities to score a hook-up would keep me from meeting my other responsibilities.

but by the last day, leaving felt like a mistake. for one, the hustle and bustle of nyc is contagious--it made me feel like a busy person even when i was lounging in evan's beautiful midtown apartment (why wasn't i an ibanker? oh right, i have too big a conscience). furthermore, there is so much diversity of food! my friends would ask me what kind of food i felt like eating before every meal, and then bam! we'd have it. (of course, this is not the same story in peripheries like the south bronx, but i'll leave that for another post). speaking of the bronx, my family there is loud, dramatic, half-black and more in touch with their honduran roots, which is a nice change from my half-White and dangerously apathetic family here in east los. and okay, i'll admit it, i had a semblance of a life in the 4-5 days I was there, which is infinitely cooler than ...not having one.

being in l.a. isn't too bad, though. visiting my relatives in the south bronx (they're a hotter mess than they were when i left them) reminded me of why i decided to work against the education gap in the first place. my family here is a hot mess too, and i like to think they need me. hanging out with more friends than i can count on my fingers in only one weekend reassured me that i can be social if i wanted to--i'm just choosing not to for now (though hopefully the worse is over). walking amidst the fast pace of the city infected me with an energy that will hopefully last until the next month. AND, nyc does not have the landscapes and mind-numbing dynamics of east l.a.--these can't be found anywhere, except maybe in mexico...but i haven't been there yet. all in all nyc was amazing, for lack of a better word, but i also like l.a.

idle hands are the devils workshop

2008-08-07T20:22:00.000-07:00

ah, summertime--the perfect time to indulge in idleness. my susceptibility to the devil's doing quickly prompted me to recreate my myspace profile and "friend" a couple of my (now former) students. even in vacation, word that i'm "on" quickly got around and now the friend requests are pouring in. i'm not sure if this will backfire in the long run, but, as i sit in idleness, i think there's no harm in fostering relationships via electronic networking sites. besides, the kids are using myspace as a forum to announce everything from their upcoming trips to premeditated food fights on campus. sometimes they forget their teacher, though young and admittedly laidback outside of instruction, is still reading and can and will warn the deans of impending mutinies on campus. not that, you know, the deans will do anything about it--but it's always nice to know what's up before it happens.

if nothing else, my space presence allows for funny convos i post on blogger:

omg hey mr i miss you soo much
guess wat my sumers going pretty
well and i still keep reaading books
i just bought this book like a week
ago and im almost done welll yea hope your
doing good too ;]

lol u swear mr. ima destroy the
campus its just a bulletin soo yea wats
new with you any gfs??
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: allan!
Date: Aug 6, 2008 11:07 PM

sup barbara, how's your summer going? just saw your flyer about the food fight--it confused me. you're not even at school right now! why you causing trouble? hope you don't destroy our school.

best,
mr. m

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Sσ Gℓαmσrσus ♥
Date: Aug 6, 2008 10:39 PM

we should try to fukin bomb all the securitys
all the fukin little chubby ladies tht think there all
dope cus they have a radio haha lol always fuking with errbody takin hats,bee-neez,ipods all our shit fuk em all! there so fukin bitchy
ahhh! i wanna sock one right now! haha nah jk all the deans too fuk em haha!

PASS IT ON!!!!!

i am a lazy fuck

2008-07-22T00:16:00.000-07:00

granted, i've been reading a lot--but still.

i want to be amazing next school year, especially in the fall since i pretty much did not teach my students anything about expository writing last year (and i'm a journalism major! ouch.) BUT what am i doing about it?

sitting around, and complaining about it.

tomorrow i'll wake up early and do something productive (i.e. get a grip on what i'm teaching next year.) never mind that i said the same exact thing last night.

rebuilding

2008-07-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

i've been on summer vacation for about two weeks now, yet i haven't blogged about the end of the year because i haven't had the heart to do it.

okay, i lie-- i pretty much have been doing NOTHING for the past two weeks. i flew to chicago for the long weekend and partook in a four-day long bender with old friends. it was awesome. getting myself to sit down and write a blog post has been the last thing on my mind.

i also really don't know what to say. i suppose i can start with numbers. in the end, all five periods scored 80% or higher on their standards-based final, with second period scoring an average of 87%!! holy shit i was impressed. all tfa wanted was 75% or higher on this, so this was monumental. the little thugs also made me look good on periodic assessments. all classes, save for 6th period, managed to average a proficient score on the their literary analysis exam (70% or higher), which is supposed to be a benchmark for all ninth graders across the district. considering that my students scored in the 50% range the first time they took a periodic assessment, i am now very convinced that i was able to make significant gains in the classroom with my students. this is essentially what i came here to do, so i am somewhat pleased.

somewhat because 6th period did not step it up. a lot of them did, but about five or six scored below basic, under 45% on the test, lowering the overall class average. it wasn't all my fault, but there are a lot of things i could have done to fix this class. for example, i often called this class the "class from hell," which was the wrong thing to do because it subconsciously made me have lower expectations for them. i often expected their test scores to be substantially lower than all my other classes, and they often were. i also did not give these students more individualized attention, probably because the class misbehaved so much that i didn't have time. some had been failing all year and i never did too much about it except maybe one call home (which did not fix the problems). in the long run, i just need to work harder--which is no fair because 6th period is when i'm the most tired.

but we still celebrated. sixth period still improved, and the environment in other classes was a positive one. each time i read out the test scores, the room got intensely quiet and then students actually clapped for their peers who scored proficient or higher on the test. they were so into it, i loved it. at the end, i got a few compliments from the students themselves. "mister you're like a freedom writer!" "you must be really smart to get us to do so well on the test on your first year." "i learned more in your class than in any other class i've had." "man i'm going to miss you next year!" and my personal favorite: "mister, why don't you have us again in the 10th grade!" my answer: "are you tripping?"

tough love, the holy grail of urban education.

who am i really doing this for?

2008-06-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

there's nothing like an essay scoring session to make you feel like the worse possible teacher in the world. to be fair, virtually all ninth graders at my school failed the essay portion of our literary analysis exam. taking that into consideration, i should be proud that a sprinkle of my students received a score of proficient on the essay. 2 of my students even got PERFECTS! and one of them was maria, one of my favorites! furthermore, more of my students received proficients than the so-called "honors" kids. this is pretty badass considering that i just started this business.

the problem, though, is that i have 120 students and only about 20 to 25 managed to pass the essay part. other teachers mentioned that that's "actually pretty good for this type of school." maybe they were just looking at the bright side, but for me, this reflects the larger problem: low expectations. a lot of people really don't think our kids can succeed. nearly one thousand ninth graders were tested and, all-together, about 60 managed to pass. are you saying that that's all poor Latino communities could ever amount to? i know for a fact this is not true (i am a living example!), but these scores are not helping me prove anything. even my own students, whom i thought could show what's up, did not quite do so, even after writing the best essays they have ever written. the did better than the average kid at this school, but even that wasn't enough to catch them up to 9th graders across the nation. it made me really sad.

i expressed my frustrations at the end of the meeting, but i just came off looking like the perfectionist high-achieving new teacher who sets unrealistic goals for his students. nobody seemed to empathize. what's more, when i asked what kinds of things we could do to get our students to improve their analysis in their essays, nobody had suggestions. instead, somebody suggested i share my strategies to getting our students to write, but before i could do so, the bell rang and everybody peaced out to lunch.

i went back to my room sad and depressed.

2008-06-16T20:35:00.001-07:00

last night i pulled an all-nighter wrapping up my PACT assignment for the fucking credentialing program I am in. 60 pages in total--i haven't written that much since the 100+ pages i wrote for the decade paper in ap u.s. history junior year of hs. granted, this paper was all BS--but still man, 60 pages over the course of one weekend when i have a full time job? my printer nearly broke. the good news is that i'm officially done with csudh bullshit. the bad news is that today, my class SUCKED. i did not have time to prepare ANYTHING. i tried to have students read A Midsummer Night's Dream independently but, of course, it all went crashing down because students had difficulty with the language. even the kids who were legitimately trying to do the work didn't get it. during third period, i opted instead to just sit back and have the kids watch the movie version of the play. i feel a bit sorry for second period--they have been my guinea pigs all year long! though somehow they are my highest achieving class? that makes no sense whatsoever. either way, i'm going to have to apologize for my laziness tomorrow.

not to be cocky

2008-06-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

but my students are in love me.

why? today we took a periodic assessment. i was frank with my students and i told them the stakes were pretty high on this test: if everyone does well, we could not only prove that students from bell can and will succeed when they want to, but also that they have an excellent teacher. "if you don't care about succeeding in school," i told them, "at least try to do well for me. i try very hard to be a good teacher, and this test scores are like my grades. if i don't get good results, i'm going to quit this job in two years. you know i'm a perfectionist, i can't stand getting bad grades. so PLEASE PLEASE take this seriously, for me, if nothing else."

they ate it up. everyone, EVERYONE, in fourth period worked on this essay. like, seriously, i've never seen that period so focused and actually invested in trying to get something right in my class. even barbara, who is on drugs and simply cannot stay awake in my class no matter how many times i call her name, said, "mister, help me." i told her what to do, girlfriend wrote a whole essay when she hadn't done shit all year. i honestly wanted to call tfa and tell them to film me at my best. similar things happened in other periods:

"i'm gonna do well on this test just for you, okay mister? just cuz you do so much for us" -- other barbara, 2nd period, who is failing.
"mister, i read the essay to myself again like you told us to and i caught so many mistakes! you do give good advice"--ricky, 2nd period.

"mister mister, check out my essay, it's the best thing i have ever written. i dedicated it to you." eddy, 3rd period, on seriously the best essay he's ever written this year.

"aiye mister, it has to be perfect! i'm doing this for you!", yazmin, 4th period, after having me tell her that the essay did not have to be perfect.

"i'm so sorry i missed the test mister, but i'll make it up to you on monday! don't trip!" daisy, in a text from the beach??? thanks...

"man, why you asking so many questions? you know this stuff."
"i know mister, but i just wanna make sure. i don't wanna let you down"-

it was awesome.

but don't trip, there was a bad side: sergio is on drugs. the deans searched him and caught him with weed, too. no wonder his grade is slowly slipping. and it's no wonder every day he comes in trying to fight someone. i tried talking him and telling him: "remember, remember when i went to your dad's store in bell gardens and waited 'till he got there at 9 p.m. with you? other teachers wouldn't have done that for you. don't thank me for that by failing my class." didn't work--today he said "fuck this test, i'm going to fail it anyway," and i had to send him to another room because he couldn't concentrate. which is frustrating because i honestly thought he had changed and now he's back to being corrupt? did i seriously waste precious hours on you for nothing? it's depressing, more than anything.

can't win 'em all, but i finally think i'm winning many.

the talk of the day

2008-05-29T20:06:00.000-07:00

i heard rumors that we were on the l.a. times the minute i stepped into campus this morning. oh no, i thought, what did we do now. after a click on google, i found an answer:

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-arrest29-2008may29,0,6752458.story
(gist: a 37-year-old teacher was caught having sex with a 17-year-old student in the backseat of his car. the car was parked in a parking lot located 30 minutes away from our school.)

the children, of course, had plenty to say.

2nd period
"eee mister you can't give people rides home anymore."
"why not?"
"you didn't hear, mister? the cops caught mr. d fucking a girl from bell in the backseat of his car!"
"i mean, i did hear about it--but not in those vulgar terms!"

3rd period
"ewww mister, the news are all over the front of the school. they're going make us look soo ghetto!! how embarrassing!"
"i know mister, they're burning the school, man. but i got em back. i walked by the cameras and flipped them off."
"girl! you IS ghetto!"

4th period
"if that girl had sex with the teacher so she could get an A in the class, i'd give her props."

5th period
"so the reason shakespeare's language may sound different is because he wrote in iambic pentameter,"
"mister did you hear about mr. d fucking a girl in his car?"
"let's pretend eric did not just ask that completely inappropriate and irrelevant question..."

6th period
"man, why couldn't mr. d take the girl to his pad? all you teachers are broke as hell!"

significant gains

2008-05-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

according to a deluge of tests my students have taken, 3 out of 5 of my classes are scoring and mastering 70% of the 9th grade English state standards. in tfa speak, 70% is making "significant gains" in the classroom.

this is great news, no? 3 out of my 5 classes are performing. the other 2 are literally 1 or 2 percentage points away, so it's not like they're left in the pits either. and according to my tfa boss, my students have some the highest test scores in the tfa's hs english subgroup.

but as usual, i'm not satisfied. part of me really wants them to score 80% or higher. part of me is also convinced that i had nothing to do with these scores. i really believe my students came to me with a built-in zest for learning, all i did was tap it a little and encourage it to thrive. what's worse, i KNOW i could do a better job, especially when it comes to lesson planning and grading things on time. i just can't keep up with grading shit on time, and while i always come to class ready, there's been innumerable times when i have gone to bed without a concrete plan for the next day. were it not for my first period "prep time" and the fact that i'm super resourceful (seriously, i impress myself sometimes), i'd be nowhere. i also did not give my students a preliminary test at the beginning of the year to see how much they knew coming in, so i really can't gauge the effectiveness of my teaching(good one, i know). finally, my students live in bell, not watts. both are heavily populated low-income neighborhoods--but the violence isn't as rampant in bell as it is in watts. in essence, the school is making me look good (instead of the other way around).

i have a month 'till i give a similar test again and see if my students can get up to the 80% goal. if these kids reach that, THEN i'd feel like i've done a good job. the question is: how the fuck am i going to get these scores up, especially when i have several students reading at the 3rd grade level and, probably as a front, really don't give a fuck? my work is definitely cut out.

confidence building

2008-05-14T22:48:00.000-07:00

a total of 22 students came to tutoring today! think about it: i singlehandedly convinced more than 20 students to show up to my classroom and do schoolwork after school today. that's like an entire class it was chaotic but i totally loved it. better yet, juan, my number one troublemaker in second period who has a 30% on my class, stayed until 6:30 and said: "mister, you're cool after school. i'm going to come back to tutoring and pass your class, watch." i better fucking watch.

and cristian, troublemaker in fourth period who somehow got himself in house arrest and wears an ankle bracelet to prove it, stayed to 7 and already got his grade up to a D! i mean, it's not a great grade, but it's passing. we also had a telling conversation:

"mister, why are you so cool after school but really mean during class? you got like two personalities."
"that's because we only have an hour during class, so i can't let you guys fool around. if i do, we wouldn't learn anything, and my greatest goal is for you to learn, remember? that's why i'm here."
"aa, aiight, that makes sense."

YES! if i don't focus on the little things, there's no way i'd survive this crazy job. it'd actually kind of enjoy it if i weren't so fucking tired all the time.

this job is sickening

2008-05-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

all i do is worry about my students. worry worry worry and yet they still don't perform up to task.

and okay, i got cocky and thought i was doing great, so i dropped the ball on the management and now my kids are stepping ALL over me. okay, i kid, they're not that bad--but fourth period definitely left me shaking last thursday. i don't understand why, all of a sudden, the little fucks like to argue with me? all of fourth period likes to gang up on me: "what am i doing?!" "i'm not even talking!" "another paper?!" "why don't we get points--we're all doing work?!" "why can't we watch movies like the class next door?!" and it sucks that my fucking lame-ass special ed teacher in that class totally makes me look like the bad cop: he's all nice to them all the time and i end looking like the asshole. not that i care if i'm the asshole, but my authority is completely undermined when i say no one can go to restroom and then he writes kids hall passes whenever they ask for it. not to mention he doesn't help me AT ALL--instead he sleeps? what the fuck kind of special ed teacher is that? the only time they shut the hell up is when i kick someone else out: then they know i mean business. but i don't like kicking people out because a) i'm liable if something happens to them while out in the halls, and b) they loose out on learning. but they're not learning if they're fooling around in class either. i guess i need to get my priorities straight on that. i need serious help :(

okay, so i'm doing better than a lot of teachers at my school--like, woah, seriously, you can tell just by the way my room is set up. but that doesn't mean i'm as talented as teachers working in manhattan beach, for example. my students are far far behind and this is killing me. i read 15 books in my freshman english class in high school. we've read 3. we are so lame, so behind, so illiterate, i can barely handle it.

it's the end of the year already (a month and a half left). i've had lots of successes this year, more than i imagined i'd have, but i still feel like i'm not good enough.

like a lollipop

2008-05-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

"i don't like good publicity. i like good pussy."--one of my students quoting a rapper. totally inappropriate, but funny.

speaking of oral sex, i gave fernando and cinthia a ride home yesterday (no worries, no lewd activities with minors occurred). while on the car, lil wayne's "lollipop" song came up on the radio. naturally, an enlightening conversation ensued:

cinthia: "mister! 'lick it like a lollipop!' ain't that alliteration?"
me: "yea it is!"
fernando: "oh yea huh! and lollipop is a metaphor for his dick!"
cinthia: "no, foo, it's a simile! and it's talking about her pussy!"
me: "ALRIGHT, we are done talking about P's and D's in my car, thank you."

at least they're learning!

staying in

2008-05-03T19:49:00.001-07:00

nobody will be surprised to hear that i don't really go out and get wasted anymore. part of me really wants to go out into l.a. bars and meet people and get wasted, but the whole being responsbile for the learning of 120 kids always gets to me. i also have to drive everywhere.

the real reason, though: i'm running out of friends.

it's completely my fault. ever since i started teaching, my main priority has been my students. so much in fact, that i sometimes forget to charge my phone and, so, my phone stays dead for days. i don't return calls, and i don't even realize when friends leave me voicemail invites to parties. furthermore, i am so fucking tired on fridays that i always flake out. i had made plans to go smoke hookah with a jen one friday, but by the time 9:30 hit, i found myself on my bed sending a semicoherent text that apologized for being lame. last weekend, i told jorge and mike i would go watch a baseball game on friday, but by the time i got home at 6:30 p.m., my ass was too tired to sit in l.a. traffic, find parking at the labyrinth otherwise known as dodger stadium, figure out a ticket situation and watch a sport i don't even like. i flaked out. i haven't heard from jorge and mike again.

the tfa people are cool, but they're just like me: far too tired and busy to plan anything. there are some parties, but since i never answer my phone, i completely miss most of them. according to facebook, i'm not even getting invitations anymore.

i know, i know, friends get tired of being shotdown and they eventually get tired of calling. that totally happened to me in high school. back then, though, i got the last laugh when i got into my top choice college and my friends, uh, settled for community colleges. this is real life, though. what am i saving myself up for?

summer vacation, obviously! i'm so dumb. back to work.

2008-04-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

i'm really craving to crawl into my bedsheets and take a good, long nap that will carry me to 3 or 4 a.m. tomorrow morning.

and i totally would,--I'M THAT TIRED-- except the sun is still out in l.a., and honestly, how sad would my life be if i went to bed before the sun set?

i'm 22 years old. i'm not supposed to be that responsible.

toilet humor

2008-04-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

according to today's events, i am pastrami sandwich intolerant. or maybe jalapeno chips intolerant. or maybe coke intolerant? i don't know.

what i do know is that i ate a pastrami subway with jalapeno chips and a coke for lunch today. it was fucking delicious. but by the time 6th period hit, i wish i'd stuck with my mother's sandwiches instead (yes, she makes me lunch, shuddup). the subway just did not sit well in my stomach. ten minutes into 6th period, my stomach began churning, the first warning that i really needed to get my ass to a toilet (literally...har har). but sixth period is the worse period ever; if i go to the restroom, i thought, the class would certainly turn into chaos. besides, the kids were taking a test and if i left, they'd probably start cheating. i decided to ignore my nature calls and just stick it out till the end of the period. i mean, i could not sacrifice valuable educational time just to go the bathroom! even if it meant holding it for 50 minutes (my reasoning is a little off sometimes).

the pangs came back every 10 minutes or so (especially when i would think about it), but they would also dissipate quickly. i thus became really confident in my ability to keep things in. all of a sudden, almost 20 minutes before the bell rang, my stomach churned and threatened to explode. obviously, this made me antsy and i got easily annoyed at kids who were asking for help ("it's a test, i cannot help you, no more questions!," i yelled at one point). when some of the smarter ones started asking me what was wrong, realization set in: i needed to go to the bathroom, fast, before something embarrassing happened in the middle of my worse class. luckily, i noticed sergio was out of his seat again, which led me to put his restlessness to good use for once. i told him to see me outside and made jonathan, my pre-assigned sargeant of arms, take care of the class while i was out (i'm so glad i've prepared for cases like this). once outside, sergio was like "what'd i do mister?!" "you know exactly what you did. we're going to the bathroom. let's run." so we ran to the bathroom, sergio to the boy's, mr. m to the men's, and came back to class within five minutes, sergio laughing about the situation the whole time.

i thought i'd gotten away with a potty run with no one besides sergio realizing it. but, of course, once we walked into class, sergio yelled: "haha, mister just took a shit!" i kept the little fucker after class.

failures

2008-04-11T18:39:00.000-07:00

with all the craziness that occurs at my school, i've completely "forgotten" to turn in any asignments for my credentialing classes at csudh. there's one particular class where i've turned in ZERO assignments since january.

ZERO.

i just checked the syllabus for that class and i noticed that the professor "does not accept any late work. none. never. seriously." oh, shit?

this is obviously disconcerting. for one, i haven't failed a class since...scratch that, I'VE NEVER RECEIVED AN F IN MY LIFE. and here comes csudh and messes up my record? i hate that fucking joke of a university even more now. secondly, i'm wondering if i can take this class over next semester. and if i can't make it up, does that mean i won't be getting my credential? and if i don't get my credential, does that mean i won't be able to teach until i get one? is my high school going to fire me? and if i get fired, who will take over my kids' education? a sucky substitute who knows nothing about the english language?!?!

for once in my life, i think that there's too much TO DO. i've actually been proud of my masochistic ability to juggle multiple activities while keeping and excelling in a full course load. i did it in middle school, i did it in high school, i did it in college. the fact that i've finally choked is actually embarrassing, especially since some TFA'ers are passing this class with relative ease (or so it seems).

then again, i'm also resourceful. i'll shoot a few emails and seek a way out. we'll see. (shit we better see)

i was a bad teacher last week...

2008-04-05T12:55:00.001-07:00

...so bad that i saw myself give out two referrals in one day. that's never happened before.

first, i gave stephanie a referral to the dean's office because she decided to throw a little tantrum in my classroom. this is how it went:

me: i need you guys to be quiet for the last 3 minutes of class. if you are talking, i am going to write your name on the board and that means you'll owe me two minutes during nutrition. i'm serious.
stephanie keeps talking to two of her friends.
i write stephanie and her friend's names all on the board.
stephanie, after seeing her name on the board: "awww helll no, i'm not staying, i didn't do anything!"
me: "this is not the first time we do this. if you talk, you stay after class. you know that."
stephanie: "i ain't staying! that's not fair!"
me: "stephanie, stop arguing, you're staying and that's it."
stephanie continues arguing, i stop paying attention because it's really not worth it.
*bell rings*
me: "alright, if your name is on the board, you must stay. otherwise, see you tomorrow."
stephanie: "fuck that, i ain't staying." to her friends: "let's go guys."
stephanie's friends: "no way, we're not getting in more trouble."
stephanie: "fine then!"
me: "stephanie, you made the decision to not listen to me. be ready to accept the consequences when you come in tomorrow and you have to go to the dean's."
stephanie: fine!
walks away. comes back into the room after a minute.
stephanie: "i'm just here to wait for kassandra [her friend], not because you made me stay, okay?"
me: "no, you made the decision to leave. you can't come back into the room and decide you're going to stay."
stephanie: "i'm not, i'm just waiting for kassandra."
me: "alright, you're not really making sense. you should have just stayed inside in the first place, but if that's the way you want it, i'll start filling out your referral right now."
i write a referral right in front of her face, giving her ample opportunity to apologize.
2 minutes are up. everyone leaves. eddie, evelyn, and jose, who were in trouble for talking too, stay and tell me: mister, that's girl's dumb, huh?
me: just a little bit, guys.

then, the next period, i kicked daniela out of my classroom because she refused to jump. yes, jump. i made everyone jump because students were falling asleep during class, and she would not do it. i recognize that was harsh, but this chick literally does nothing in my class. does not do homework, does not do classwork, does not participate. and okay, i'll admit it, it annoys the hell out of me that she's one of the few students who hates me and shows it with those actions. we do not have a good relationship going on, and i've tried talking to her and i've tried talking to her mom, but nothing works with her. i stand outside the door as students come in each day and say hi to them all, and she literally ignores me each time. i cannot stand it. so, that day, when she wouldn't jump, i just got tired of it all and said: "daniella, get the hell out of here." and she ran out with a big smile on her face, as usual. (though i'm hoping the smile is just a big front).

the next day she came into the class and said, "mister, you need to give me a referral." i felt bad for kicking her out like that the day before, so i was going to let her slip. but she since she requested the referral, i had no other option. now i hope her mom asks a conference so i can tell her what's up.

i don't even know why i plan anymore

2008-03-30T22:01:00.001-07:00

i spent several hours today planning out the entire next week. we're reading of mice and men and we really need to start analyzing how this steinbeck fellow arrives at his themes; the big hurdle is going to be getting my students to connect the dots and see how characterization and figurative language act as clues as to what the theme is. i used to be a badass at this literary analysis shit--i got 5s in AP English Lit and AP Spanish Lit and kicked a lot of ass in lit classes at northwestern. but i have no clue how or when this stuff started clicking for me, you know? who the fuck taught me it and how did he or she get the analysis to just flow out my brain and onto a piece of paper? i wish i knew.

in any event, i made a plan as to how to break the shit down. by friday, my kids would start comparing universal themes between an a house of mango street vignette and chapters 1-2 of of mice and men. all would be great.

...until i looked at my schedule. i have an IEP meeting (to discuss the progress--or lack thereof, really-- of a special ed student) tomorrow during second period, another IEP meeting on wednesday during fourth period, earthquake drill on thursday during fifth and friday is minimum day, meaning i only get 30 minutes per class. the problem: my plans are composed of five one-hour lessons! i can't afford to miss even a half day! ughhh

my strongest attribute is flexibility, yes, but that's because i usually plan at the last minute. my flexibility isn't as impressive when i'm actually all planned out! man. and i thought i was sleeping tonight.

how can i be so behind when i haven't stopped working?

2008-03-24T20:35:00.001-07:00

today was a terrible day. nothing in particular happened, just a lot of disorganization. my kids were more wild than usual, but i know that is because they could sense i wasn't with it today. as tfa likes to say, "if you don't have a plan for your students, your students will have a plan for you."

the thing is, i wasn't even that lazy this weekend. i spent ALL sunday correcting papers and creating a test. i went out on saturday, yes, but am i not supposed to have a social life now just because i'm an urban teacher?

considering that i've barely seen anyone in the past month, the answer is yes.

the cycle continues

2008-03-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

good things happened last week. duke, aka my fifth period class, scored so well on their school-wide exposition exam that one assistant principal dropped by my classroom to personally distribute popcorn bags for every student as a reward for doing so well. apparently my fifth period was the only 9th grade class where every single student got at least a C on the test--even the honors kids couldn't pull it off.

then my tfa coach came to observe usc, aka my fourth period. usc has quickly become my worse class this semester; i usually have to yell at them to shut the hell up and the beginning of class and keep them in for lunch almost every day. when the tfa coach was there, though, my kids were excellent. every single student read silently during the first 15 minutes of class, every single student wrote almost a page on their writing journals and every single student participated during our socratic seminar. granted, the worse students--whom are both named Desirees--ditched that day, and my tfa coach did grind me for "not encouraging students to give higher level responses and think critically during the seminar," among other things. but i did love it when she said: "your class was one of the most focused classes i've seen in tfa this year." i think that was the first real compliment i've received from her. it only took me 8 months to get it!

i felt pretty badass about that and decided to take a break and party last night (i went to little temple in silverlake and got wasted, woo). but i should have known more hurdles were just around the corner: i just finished recording grades and now 27 kids are failing. i am being the best teacher i can be, i think, and 27 kids are still fucking failing? not to mention how many are coasting by and not really learning at all. how much more work is it going to take to get those minority brains in gear? i'm already losing my own steam to begin with.

this is why i'm hot

2008-03-16T16:36:00.001-07:00

as odd as it sounds, i am loving my job right now. these may be some reasons why:

1--the semester just started so very few kids are failing. i know it's just an illusion, at least for now, but i sleep peacefully when i know that fewer than 20 kids are flunking. and if they're failing right now, when we haven't even had a test yet, it's really their own fucking fault.

2--i'm fully rested! that's probably because last week was interrupted by a school-wide test and a two-day ninth grade retreat that required no planning at all on my part. phew.

3--all ninth graders at bhs took a test to show that they could argue a point using evidence from two or more articles, and the majority of my students showed what's up! i mean, this is by no means impressive considering that they were only required to write a paragraph on the topic--something they should have learned by the 6th grade. but at least they're doing better than most other regular 9th grade english classes (which, in the end, is kind of sad when you consider that i'm a first-year teacher and in knee-deep shambles half the time).

4--all teachers had to introduce themselves at the retreat. after i took the microphone and said my name and my subject without cracking a smile, the kids cheered, whistled and hollered for me. and they didn't cheer for any other teacher there. it was a little awkward when the japanese teacher came up to me and said "mr. m----, looks like you're popular!" i brushed it off by saying "i really don't know why since i'm super strict in class," which is actually true. i suppose my tough love philosophy is making me the coolest teacher in school. i love it, i won't deny.

5--speaking of love, someone wrote "we love mr. m----!" on my shoutout wall! this is quite a change from the "Fuck M----!" and the "M---- is gay" messages that were mysteriously tagged on my classroom door last fall.

6--since i'm trying to get my kids to read more (someone of them have never read a whole book in their lives, and they're 14-15 years old!), i decided to introduce my sustained silent reading program by rapping a song called "Read, Baby, Read." The rap required claps and stomps and full-on participation, which obviously made the "cool" kids uncomfortable. Barbara in 4th period was like, "Oh my god this is an embarrassing class." Which got Julia, my superstar, to reply: "If you don't like it then get the hell out!" Lips pursed. Necks rolled. Intervention was a must: I told everyone, even football star Jose, to follow along or I'd force them to sing the song by themselves in front of the class. I admit it was cheesy, and I myself blushed when the teacher next door mentioned she heard me rapping. Throughout the week, though, kids were repeating the song to themselves and asking me if we were ever going to sing it again. Others were asking me for book recommendations: "Let me read your favorite book, mister!" Some even brought their newly chosen books to class the very next day. This weekend, I also pimped out our classroom reading corner with a carpet, floor seats and cushions to stress that reading is actually relaxing. The reading program doesn't start until tomorrow. We're going to read silently for 20 minutes every single day--which is great because 20 mins times 5 classes means I myself can read 100 minutes a day! (yea, this is really all about me, guys) Not sure if it'll get students into books or even improve any reading levels, but i suppose it doesn't hurt to try (I mean, except for the $100+ i've spent on books and reading corner furniture. But whateves, I make enough).

It's a good thing that I'm feeling so positive right now, mostly because my TFA coach is observing my classroom this Thursday. Last time she observed me, she pretty much said my lesson was a complete waste of time and that i was doing my students a disservice for teaching them things that were too easy. And i already had a low morale to begin with! I felt terrible, and I do believe it contributed to my November meltdown, the only time quitting ran across my mind. In any event, if the criticism ends up making me a good teacher, then bring it on. I just hope I don't cry.